Who can I trust? 

Ed Sheeran – Save myself
Growing up, I always watched my mom being alone. Without any friends. I’ve always thought that is was because she simply didn’t have any friends. But turnes out, she just had enough of people letting her down. 
Now, since high school, I’ve always had a lot of friends. But not many of them whom I could actually count on. I’ve ended more friendships and relationships than I’ve had successful ones. 

In the end, who can we really count on? And is it worth being a good friend, when people ends up neglecting you? 

Positions as altruistic, helping hand and victim, are known positions for me. It usually starts with me being altruistic, then me helping someone, and then ending up as the victim. Neglected and forgotten. But there’s a responsibility in whether or not I accept these positions. Unfortunately, as it turns out, these positions are naturally for me. 

I’ve always blame them, the people who neglect me! I guess that I just count on the good in people, on reciprocity. But maybe that is too much to expect? Maybe I should be more selfish and egoistic to be happy? 

Because how can I expect someone to treat me and respect me, when I don’t even treat nor respect myself? 

All I know, is that I am tired, and afraid of ending up like my mom. I am tired of always getting disappointed and hurt. 

Guess I need to save and love myself, before I save someone else. And love myself, before I love someone else. 

Because the rest is too much to expect from people (apparently). 

Why try? 

I’m laying in a way too big bed, that makes it hard to forget the fact that I’m alone.

Before this I threw up my dinner, cut myself, and felt fat looking in the mirror. Drank a bottle of wine and smoked far too many cigarettes. Crying. 

I feel alone. I feel sad. Broken. My dad abandoned me, my mom and sister are too bound up with their own problems. And I’m broke as fuck. 

Why even try? 

But then I remember that there are a lot of people out there, and reading this that feels the same way. And for the sake of all of them, I won’t give up. But it sure is difficult not just to let it all go. 

Let’s all try for each other! People like us, we need to stay together, cause nobody else understands. 

5 things that makes me mad 

  1. When parents call and act like they want to hear about your life, when they really just want to unload their own shit 
  2. When my fat ex boyfriend looses weight after our breakup and finds a new boyfriend 
  3. Thumps up reply 
  4. Eating disorders 
  5. Late night snacks that turns into a late night feast 

Love?

 

What is love? It is probably all just a construction that society once again has built up. Yet, to be happy, and handle life in our world, we need love. We crave love. Sometimes I wonder if it is a want, or a need? Do we really need love?

People have come up with a million explanations to love. And the biggest one is true love. The right one, who will come along, just wait for it. A lot of us, have probably internalized this idea in our minds.  Sometimes, I feel like we are all just being unfaithful to the very idea of love. Problem may be that it’s an illusion. Love doesn’t just come along, it’s work. Its getting to know each other, opening up, being vulnerable.

It brings me back to the question, what is love? There is the term unconditionally love. Well who the hell came up with that? It sure seems like everyone has their limits.

Is love shown by words, or by actions? Both? Can love exist implicitly?

Like everything else, it makes me think about my parents. They gave me such a chaotic childhood, my Dad didn’t accept me being gay, and cut me off. However, I never doubted their love. Sure it isn’t unconditionally love. But I know they love me, and I love them. But I’m mad at them, as well. There are other people in my life, where the love isn’t that hard to find. Can this really be love then?

I guess love have different faces, it can be bad and good, but in the end, it is still love. My problem is probably that I’ve experienced, more pain related to love, than happiness. Kelly Clarkson sings, “My heart can’t possible break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with”. I believe in that.

This leave me where I am today. My mom loves me, she says it a lot. She doesn’t show it, but it is there. My best friend, and my sister loves me. They both show and say it.

Though I still have such a messed-up relationship with love. Especially the true love. I’m hungry for that love. I crave it. I want somebody who loves me, for every single piece of me. Someone who holds me at night. All of those things. I feel like I need it. But in reality, I don’t. My life goes on. So I guess it is a want. And for that reason, it becomes harder to find. I’m driven by my wants, and not my needs.

I probably have the love I need. There are people out there, without anyone! I have love. Strong and good love. But I still feel like I need it.

I want the fairytale of love, the one I grew up watching on TV. I don’t want to find another love, like me and my mom’s relationship, like her and my dad’s relationship. I want to find right one, who comes along. But does he really do that?

I wish

I wish… 

I wish that my childhood wasn’t as chaotic as it was. I wish that people didn’t have the power to hurt you as they do. I wish that people would understand me. I wish that my thoughts didn’t have the need to run one marathon after another. 

I wish that food didn’t have the power it got, and that my self-esteem wouldn’t drop back and forward. 

I wish that there was a person who would understand me completely, and takes my loneliness and sorrow away. 

I wish that society wouldn’t develop In the direction it is. 

I wish that more people would read this. 

I wish that people would listen to me, instead of making their own interpretations of my problems. 

I wish that people around me, would notice. 

What do you wish? 

10 things that may not be okay for me to feel or think…. 

We all have our dark sides, unhealthy thoughts, or unrealistic ways of life etc. It’s time to speak up! I invite everyone who is reading this, to make their own list. 

Time to confess! 

  1. Sometimes when people share their “normal” problems and issues, I compare it to my own life, and think bitch please your life is easy. I know you can’t compare these things, but I do.. 
  2. When someone is really unattractive, or smells or something, I feel  embarrassed to be seen with them. Which is such a shame.. 
  3. I’m never mean to anyone unless they are mean to me. But when people annoy me, chances are, I will speak behind their backs… Awful!!
  4. There is a big voice in my head that tells me I’m fat, useless, and sick! Sometimes I listen to it.. Which is a big mistake.. 
  5. I’m a strong believer in first impression, and if you give a bad one, it’s gonna take a lot to change that. 
  6. I believe that I will find a true love. A man that is perfect in every single way. A man that will live up to every dream, every requirements. And nothing less. So unrealistic I know, that is probably why I’m single I guess haha. 
  7. My dad always saw and pointed out every single flaw and mistakes that us children had. In result of this, I always find peoples flaws and mistakes, I don’t point them out or say anything, but I analyze them in my head… So sad. 
  8. A part of me identify with being mentally ill, and uses it as an excuse.. Lifecrime.. 
  9. I always look at men in the locker room, and uses the images later on… Weird..
  10. I wish that everyone I meet, would tell me that I’m beautiful.,

This makes me sound like the biggest bitch, and most insecure person ever. I’m really not, I promise. However, it sure did feel good to confess these things.

Write a comment if you’re gonna write a post, I would love to read it! 

All the best 

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 3). 

It troubles me that one man can have this much power over an entire family. Just because my dad doesn’t approve of me being gay, then he just demand and expect everyone else to follow him, and stop every contact with me. And if they don’t follow him, they get broken off aswell. It’s sad. 

Especially because he is saying that I’m the cause to this family falling apart. But I haven’t done anything else that being myself. It makes me mad. But I guess that’s just how things work with my dad. 

I’m not terrible sad to completely end my relationship with my dad, because we didn’t have much of a relationship anyways. It makes me sad that I also need to end my relationship with my other siblings, their kids etc. But c’est la vie. 

At least now, nobody can use this against me, and now I can be true to myself. My dad and this family has been my insecurity for so many years, and that is ending now. 

I accept myself, and in the end that is all that matters. 

All the best