5 things I can’t live without 

I thought I would do another list, so here we go! 

I literary would die if I lost any of these things.

  1. My phone(Yes, I know it is a bit predictable, but that is just the way it is, in our society) 
  2. Music(listening, singing and playing)
  3. Outside confidence, which means beauty products and clothes that makes me look good(working on the inner confidence)
  4. Therapy
  5. Cigarettes 

I should learn to be less materialistic.. 

Next up, a post on confidence, a feature that I unfortunately don’t have. 

– R 

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I’m not a stereotype! 

The worst thing about being sexual identified as a gay guy, is that people think they know so many things about you, and that a lot of them thinks that my sexuality defines me. 

I’m a person who wears a bit of makeup(foundation, color corrector and concealer), because I’m really insecure about my skin, and if I don’t look good, I won’t have any confidence. That is just the way it is. 

When people hear this, they automatically assume, that oh well that’s because I’m gay and want to be more feminine. Which really isn’t the case!!! 

I don’t see any connections between these two areas. A lot of straight men wears makeup, because it enhances your beauty. So why is it gay? Why do you assume that I want to be more feminine because I’m gay??  

When people say that they always wanted a gay friend, I’m screaming inside, because why should that change anything? I’m the same person as I was before my friends knew, I’m just honest about who I’m sleeping with. 

And some people are more feminine, while some are more masculine, which is just fine, just don’t think you know things about people identified as gay, before you actually know

And why do you just assume, that I’m into women’s shopping?? I am a man, and I like to wear men’s clothes, I don’t want to be a woman just so you know it. 

Being gay really just means that I’m attracted to men, that’s it! Don’t assume you know me, don’t make me a stereotype, ask me, find out yourself instead of predicting who I am. 

And another thing I’m tired of! Is you worrying about gay sex, and calling it disgusting. First of all, all kinds of sex is a bit disgusting, gay sex isn’t the only one. And why do you worry? I mean it is not you who need to do it, so if you have a problem with just keep your nose out of it. 

Be respectful, and remember that a sexuality defines your sexual preference, not your personality. 

– R 

My future? 

So after graduating high school and deciding to take a gap year, I have received one question from almost every fucking person I’ve met. 

So what are you doing now? Oh you not doing anything? Do you want to travel? Are you working???????????????? 

And the thing is, I honestly don’t know. I know that I want to go to the university and study psychology… …Next year…. 

And I wanted to travel, I wanted to go to Africa, Asia, and just experience the world. But I can’t. I can’t decide my future because of those  fucking bitches that I have mentioned a few times on this blog.. My eating disorder and the OCD. 

I planned to take a gap year to travel, but because of my mental health I need to use this year to make a big improvement, if I ever want to get well. 

I’m in treatment at the mental hospital, and I can’t just run away from that, especially because they want to hospitalize me, if I’m not doing better. 

Hopefully I will be able to travel in January, I am aware that I’m not gonna be mentally stable at that time, but hopefully I’m better at that time. 

And what about the rest of my life? Will I ever be well, “cured”? 

Am I gonna throw up between my university classes? At the lunch break at my work? At my weeding? While I’m raising my children??

I have had a few setbacks the last couple of days. Which just is so depressing and fucking ignoring… I try and I try and then I might have a few days where things are going well but I always fail again… 

And what about my sexuality, will I ever be free of my family’s extreme supervision? I’m tired of having to life some sort of double life…

But I want to have a future where I don’t have to fight my thoughts every second of my life. Where I can be who I want to be.

And that is the most important thing. 

That I want a future, without these disorders, and where my sexuality isn’t a sin. 
– R 

Parents

We can’t control the weather
We can’t control our hearts
But you decided to hurt us
And you controlled that part

A lot of things can be bad.
A lot of things can be sad
But you have the power to stop it.
But you won’t cause you are too mad

Well I’m mad too
And mostly on you
You are the adult.
With plenty of faults

You act like a child
While you children run wild
Where are you?
Where were you?

Its like you’re blind
You act so kind
With a sick mind
Who thinks everythings fine

I’m done
You won
I won’t be your son

We can’t control the weather
We can’t control our hearts
But I decided to let go
You let me down

…..

People always tell me to be good to my parents, to respect them, be thankfull. To forgive them, to accept our differences.

But I can’t, there is nothing to respect, and what should I thank them for? Neclecting me? Making me doubt myself? Hurting me? Making me insecure? Making me ashamed of being gay?

I’m done

My best friend the eating disorder 

The story of my eating disorder 

You should always fight a sickness instead of letting it grow …!

Eating fuckorder, hate that fucking shit, but I thought that I would share my story, and how I am experiencing it. 

I guess it all started when I was a kid. I would just eat, eat and eat, just to fill the void I guess, I didn’t really have that many friends, didn’t really do anything(other than eating), so yeah there was some kind of void. The school nurse kept telling me that I was too fat and that I needed to loose weight. 

My dad kept teeling me that I was fat, that I had manbreast, and forced me to go to the beach and like only wear my swimshorts although I wanted to wear a t shirt to cover up my fat, but I wasn’t allowed. And the worst part is that he then would talk about my body and how I really needed to train, because when people look at me they would think what a looser, we can bet him up. 

And then I just kept gaining weight. Trying to ease the pain. Without any luck. 

My family have always been troubled, have always had problems. My dad was violent, and loud. My mom didn’t care, as long as he didn’t yelled at her. 

Then in 8th grade my big sister ran away, because she had enough, enough of my dad and his violence and loudness, enough of all the insane rules. After this my parents started fighting a lot, and sort of gave up on me and my sister. So I needed to do the grown up things, like grocery shopping, cooking etc. and while I was doing this I lost 50 kg/110 Ibs in like 2 and 1/2 month, I was so skinny, I didn’t eat, exercised a lot, and I felt like I was in control. 

My thoughts was all over the place, I would often skip school because I felt fat, often have suicidal thoughts because of the bad consius I would get of eating, and it was just a nightmare. People would tell me I looked good, and I got addicted! Even though that people also would ask me if I was sick, and tell me not to loose any more weight. That was everyone but my family. 

Then I went to high school, where I got so stressed, my family was still a mess, and I was still skinny and broken, later on I got so stressed that I started overeating once again, but this time I didn’t gain that much weight because I would throw all of it up, fucking minimum three times per day. Horrible. My thoughts were unbearable, it was like there were two persons inside me, my logic self and my eating disorder, and the eating disorder always won. 

The second year of high School I was admitted to the mental hospital, were I went to a group, sort of like an AA meeting, then I got a therapist and then I needed to get checked all the time, because I had ruined my body. 

Almost every month there was a fear of getting hospitalized, then it got better, and then it got worse again. And here I am today. 

I’m taking a gap year, so I can be more stable when I start at the university next year, but it is so hard, and the progress is so little, but I need to do this. 

You wanna gain some kind of control which the eating disorder gives you, and that is how it starts, but after a while you get addicted, you are so scared of getting fat, useless and discusting and that is what being fat feels like for us. You also used the food to compensate for all the bad feelings whether you choose to overeat, starve yourself, or throw up. And we feel like we are in control, but it is a fake control, it is a sickness, the real control would be getting well. 

It is 5 years ago I lost all of that weight, 5 years ago that I was told that I have an eating disorder(although I didn’t really believe it back then), and 5 years is a lot. Five years is more than I have known most of my friends. And that’s why it is hard for me to let go, because as much as it has been a pain in the ass, the eating disorder was the only thing that got me through the pain.

Of course a lot of the pain also came from the being gay and unaccepted(but that is another story). 

What I didn’t knew back then was that the pain just would get bigger and bigger.

My eating disorder is my best friend but also my worst enemy(cliché I know, but true)

Now I accept that I have a problem, and I know it’s bad for me, and I want to be well again. I need to. But it is damn hard. 

Wish me well on this journey, because it needs to happen now, if I ever want to get well. And got luck to you eating disorder victims out there. Remember it’s a sickness, and you always should fight a sickness instead of letting it grow. 

All the best 

– R 

Who do they think they are? 

I have personal met a lot of bad people through the years, boyfriend’s, friends, family etc. And a lot of then have hurt me bad! And I think we all met these people but some of us take their words more serious. 

And today when I was talking to my therapist about my past and why I don’t trust people, it really hit me how many bad people I have stood by while they destroyed me. 

And like my therapist said, who do they think they are? 

And yes exactly who the fuck do they think they are, to make me feel this way. Who the fuck do they think they are to control me, to make ne feel less about myself, to make me feel ashamed. 

They are what I make them. 

If I choose to let them affect me, they have power over me, but if I choose to say hell with them, they are nobody, and their words means nothing.

I think we as people let too many bad people hurt us, because we let them! And in a lot of cases their words really just are rubbish, evil rubbish from evil insecure people. 

And instead of letting these kind of people get to us! We should all be asking the question,                                          

Who the fuck do they think they are? 

– R 

5 things I don’t get

  1. Why men have long hair that isn’t in a man bun!(pls cut it)
  2. Why I don’t have a boyfriend….??????????????? 
  3. Why someone can be named “Dick”…. (Considered name changing?)
  4. Why I’m not a millionaire???? (I mean come on, pls?)
  5. Why all the men I meet is fuckheads??? 
  6. Why I don’t have a high metabolism? 
  7. Why crane flyes and insects in general were created? (Pls die)
  8. How Sam Smith all of a sudden is attractive??? 
  9. Why it’s 2015 and it is still hard to be gay? 
  10. Why I’m not married to Matt Bomer? 

I mean I just can’t put my head around it, can you?