My future? 

So after graduating high school and deciding to take a gap year, I have received one question from almost every fucking person I’ve met. 

So what are you doing now? Oh you not doing anything? Do you want to travel? Are you working???????????????? 

And the thing is, I honestly don’t know. I know that I want to go to the university and study psychology… …Next year…. 

And I wanted to travel, I wanted to go to Africa, Asia, and just experience the world. But I can’t. I can’t decide my future because of those  fucking bitches that I have mentioned a few times on this blog.. My eating disorder and the OCD. 

I planned to take a gap year to travel, but because of my mental health I need to use this year to make a big improvement, if I ever want to get well. 

I’m in treatment at the mental hospital, and I can’t just run away from that, especially because they want to hospitalize me, if I’m not doing better. 

Hopefully I will be able to travel in January, I am aware that I’m not gonna be mentally stable at that time, but hopefully I’m better at that time. 

And what about the rest of my life? Will I ever be well, “cured”? 

Am I gonna throw up between my university classes? At the lunch break at my work? At my weeding? While I’m raising my children??

I have had a few setbacks the last couple of days. Which just is so depressing and fucking ignoring… I try and I try and then I might have a few days where things are going well but I always fail again… 

And what about my sexuality, will I ever be free of my family’s extreme supervision? I’m tired of having to life some sort of double life…

But I want to have a future where I don’t have to fight my thoughts every second of my life. Where I can be who I want to be.

And that is the most important thing. 

That I want a future, without these disorders, and where my sexuality isn’t a sin. 
– R 

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4 Replies to “My future? ”

  1. Hey, I don’t know much about you and maybe it depends on the person. But what I think is that no matter what grade you are at, you might still feel like “where the hell am I going?” Personally, I am graduating from university and I have no idea about what to do, where to live, if I ll be able to travel or whatever… So, a humble advise from personal experience, just make it best of your “now” because worries never end.
    Take care 🙂

    Like

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