What is going on in this brain of mine???? 

One day. One freaking fucking day is all I’m asking for. One day without the mental problems. And all the other problems. Because I have per definition, reached my limit. And I can’t take it anymore. 

Two weeks without throwing up, fucking two weeks! And how do I celebrate it? By throwing up. And while the eating disorder took a few days of, mr. anxiety and mrs. OCD took over as the host. Which has resulted in a lot of cigarettes, a wrist full of cuts, and a lot of walking back and forward checking everything. I hate it.

Then my phone won’t work, my charger breaks, Instagram crashes. Mom and dad still fighting, little sister making trouble, older siblings being mean. The guy I’m dating is a boring son of a bitch, who won’t answer and who still is online dating. And I’m right back at the beginning with no food in my stomach and lots of cuts. 

I hate being gay, I hate food, people, eating disorders, cuts, and just everything really. 

Well you gotta love life huh? 

– R 

Family

family-law

A lot of people believe that family is something you should be grateful about. Something you should respect. That friends come and go but family is the one thing you can always count on.

A lot of people get pissed at me when I say that I don’t like my family. That I’m not grateful. And this sort of pisses me off.

Because you know what, you have no fucking idea why I’m feeling this way.

I feel like that a lot of people are told just to accept their family, to forgive and live with their flaws. But it is not always this simple. I mean if you love your family stay with them, forgive them, love them. But I just felt like saying that sometimes this is not the best solution. Sometimes the family you are born into don’t work. 

Sometimes it is not good for you. And then you should forgive and find closure, but you shouldn’t have to stay with them, you shouldn’t have to stay with people who are hurting you.

I have so much pain that has a deep connection to my family. My dad that made me insecure and afraid. My mom and siblings who taught me that I couldn’t count on the people I was supposed to count on. The constant fear of being caught, doing something wrong. It kills me. They kill me.

Should I forgive my dad for hitting me? For telling me that I was fat, that I was nobody? Forgive him for hitting my siblings? Being mean to my mum? Forgive my mum for staying with my dad? For acting like everything was fine? Should I forgive them for letting me get anorexia, bulimia and ocd, without doing a fucking thing about it? Should I forgive them all for making me feel ashamed of being gay? Forgive them for making me wanna kill myself?

Should I forgive them for making me feel caught? Locked in? Making me scared? Should I forgive them for making me feel like a psyco?

And it goes on and on. Should I forgive them for making my head exploded? For everything?

I probably should. I probably should firgive them and find closure. But I shouldn’t go back to them. Because something that I have tried to do the last few years is to make them change. Let them know what they are doing. But they don’t fucking care. They won’t change. And therefore it is not safe for me to stay with them if I wanna get well.

I know a lot of you are going to say, “All families got problems”, well you don’t say? Of course I know this. But this does not make my and other people like me’s situation better.

I’m still living at home. Even though, every single psychologist and people I have met, have told me to get the hell out of there. Told me that if I want to get well again, I need to move out.

But it is not as simple as this. I hate every single one of them, and living without them actually won’t be a problem. I mean my mom, little sister and big sister are in some ways going to be hard to let go. But the rest of them, I don’t fucking care. But there is still something that is keeping me back. I hate it.

I know that I’m gonna get better if I leave, so why don’t I?

I need some advice.
All heroes apply?

– R

10 things that (in some ways) always is going to be hard for me

Having a mental illness like bulimia and OCD. A part of recovery is accepting the fact that there is some thoughts you just can’t run from. Some thoughts that we may have to fight the rest of our life. But hopefully it keeps getting better and the thoughts keeps getting weaker. 

But accepting this is the first step. Because every time I’m doing better, e.g I’m not throwing up, I always get a bit demotivated because that although I’m not doing it, I still want to, and my thoughts still tell me to do it, and gives me bad conscious. But that is just the way it is. 

Today a friend of mine(that I know from the hospital) had a major set back. And I just felt how important that it is to remember these things, and that a part of recovery is accepting these things. 

So without further ado, here is 10 things that in some ways always is going to be hard for me.

  1. Eating 
  2. Being naked 
  3. Mirrors 
  4. Weight scales
  5. Trying on clothes
  6. Not throwing up
  7. Watching thin people 
  8. Watching people who live a healthy lifestyle 
  9. Watching people throwing up at parties or when they are sick 
  10. Accepting how I look 

I absolutely hate it, but that is just how it is. 

And some people just need to live with this, even people who haven’t got an eating disorder. The important thing is to accept that some things always is going to be a bit hard, which sort of takes away some of the hardness. 

Good luck to all of you! 

All the best 

– R 

I mean come on!!!!!!

So woke up today with the most disgusting skin in the world, and the biggest pimple on my cheek. Why!!!! I mean don’t my skin know that I just started dating a cute guy? Sometimes I wish my skin would cooperate just a bit….

Went to work, not the new fuck job, but a shift on my old job. And this new guy that was just a bit too cute had started. He was a smoker, ate like five chocolate bars. And he had perfect skin!!! I mean if there was a god, he sure has not been fair. Would stealing his perfect and tanned skin be too much??????

I just wanna look good for the boy I’m dating. It is actually nice to like someone!

But now and then, as my ocd and depressive thoughs are running a marathon in my head, I doubt whether or not to keep dating him,and start having second thoughts and all. I mean come on!! Why does that fucking mentally ill side of me always try to make everything worse?

Anyway I haven’t throwed up since Tuesday last week. I have a few cuts on my wrist. But who cares, because there is a boy out there, who likes me!! Why does it just makes everything a bit easier?

It just worries me that I sometimes feel the way I do.
Does anyone have any good advice?

All the best

– R

Could he be the one?

ddd

I took the train to his town. He picked me up and took me for coffee. We went home to his place. Ate some food. Smoked some cigarettes(or I did). Cuddled a bit. Had amazing sex. Slept in each others arms. Woke up. Had breakfast. Went for a walk, hand in hand. Kissed godbye. And then I took the train back home. Miss him.

I mean I know that it is only our second date, but there is just something about him. Normally I feel so insecure about myself and hate when men touch me. And I must admit that it still was a bit uncomfortable but not how it used to be. I felt so safe. Also I actually slept that night, which I normally can’t do. So it was pretty amaxing. Looking forward to out third date.
Wish me luck!

All the best

– R

Am I doing better? 

So went to my therapist this morning, I have skipped the last three times, which I’m not allowed to. So I was a bit afraid. But it actually went quite well. 

Now in some ways I’m doing worse, I have a lot of cuts and stuff which never is good. But I haven’t throwed up in three days!!!!! And that is a good thing. Also I don’t want to kill myself anymore haha, which always is nice. 

In general my head feels a little lighter which is great. 

Hope you all are doing great! 

All the best 

– R 

Ps. 

Tonight is date night…. Wish me luck. 

5 things I hate about mental illness

  1. Being afraid of yourself 
  2. Pretending you are fine in front of others than your close friends 
  3. Other people 
  4. When people think that it is a simple sickness, and that I,  for example, should JUST stop throwing up(I probably would have if it was this simple)
  5. Not knowing 100 % what is going on inside your mind, and not knowing how to get well

– R