Confidence

There-are-so-many-people-out-there-who

I just want to say that confidence really is the most important thing in the world. You have confidence, you can do what you want to, and be proud about it, and say fuck everyone who disagree.

Unfortunately, I’m not in this category. Although this is the time of my life where I have had the most confidence, however it is growing every day, and I am so happy about that, it is important to be proud of who you are.

Growing up I had cero confidence. I am serious! There was nothing. I was insecure about everything. What I said, who I was, how people responded to me. It was horrible.

Being the fat kid in school, really ruined a lot for me. People would make fun of me and stay away from me. And that made me so ashamed of myself. Also being gay made me a lot insecure, because I needed to hide it.

And my lovely parents who have fucked me up several times through my life, of course also have a part in this lack of confidence. Never giving me credit, always mentioning my flaws etc. Hate them.

Then I lost 50 kilos and was the skinniest kid in school, which also made me insecure, especially because I felt fat.

Therefore, I have always cared so much about others opinion, never been proud of myself, never really had something to fight for, because I just wanted people to like me, and I would do anything for them to do that.

However, when the bulimia started to develop, something happened. I started letting people go, getting rid of the people who was not nice to me, and when I started at the psychiatry it only grow on me. I started to accept who I was, and that I actually was a great person, and I realized how many people treated me like rubbish, and that I just stood by, watched them do it.

I think I just had enough, because then I just started speaking up, and I had a feeling that I was right to do this, and that people should not treat me like this. And now nobody can be rude to me without me speaking up. Which is awesome. I am so proud of myself, and in general of the person I am. I know that I am a great person, that I’m cleaver, that my opinion matters. And to the fuckheads who don’t agree with me on that, I only have one thing to say, #¤%&%¤####FUCKING##***¤%&/#”%”%”%”%

But a place where I don’t have any confidence, is how I look, I think I’m fat and ugly, no matter what people tell me. Of course this is the eating disorder speaking, but it still is so hard, not to feel attractive.

Which leads me to “outside confidence”.

Outside confidence is your appearance. And because I still have cero confidence on my appearance, I do a lot things to feel a certain kind of confidence.

I wear makeup, I use a lot of hair and skin products, I buy expensive clothes, I wear men’s perfume. And I am almost always wearing a jacket.

I know you should be proud of how you look no matter what, but I am not. But these things help me. If I am wearing these things, I have a bit more confidence, and I think we should do what it takes to feel confident because like I said, it is one of the most important things in the world.

But then again we shouldn’t care about what people think. Because fuck them!! We are who we are, and no one can change that, and if some fuckhead thinks he knows better, fuck him. There is a lot people out there, and surely, one of them most love us as we are.

The most important confidence is the confidence on the inside. If you don’t care what people think of you, you are strong.

Learn to be comfortable with who you are. If not on your looks then at least of the person you are. You are who you are and if people are sending out a signal that you not are terrible to be around. Teach yourself to embrace this signal. Not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to be nice to you. What scares people, who think they are better than everyone else the most, are the people with a strong confidence. They fear people, they know does not give a shit about their opinion. So why not give them something to be scared about?

A thing I’ve learned is that it is physically impossible, to change your entire self-imagine in just one day. It may take a long time, different from person to person. But as mentioned before it is extremely important to have this strong confidence. So what do you do? You simply fake it until you make it.

That is something that has helped me lot! If I don’t feel the confidence, I fake it until I make it. Until I believe in it.

Have confidence, be proud of who you are, because you are the only one who are you, and that makes you special.

Lets be proud together!!

All the best

– R

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4 Replies to “Confidence”

  1. It happens. You have to persevere and get better for yourself. I don’t have best self confidence but I had horrible self confidence growing up too. I wasn’t big or anything but was bullied a lot (nerdy and gay) so had no self confidence then. It will get better if you try and strive for it. Good luck, friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know you but I feel like we have so much in common. I’m glad I found your blog! And you’re right lets be proud together!

    Liked by 1 person

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