Trust & update

They say that if you have suffert from neglect by your parents you will find it hard to trust people you meet in live. 

I’m not sure if this fits on me, but I sure have tried to be let down far too many times. 

Now I’m not sure if it’s the people I surround myself with that just really know how to be evil,  or if it’s me who invite them to act this way. 

I am so tired of it, yesterday someone really close to me made me cry a lot, she really just tore me apart. Talk about my mental illness and that it’s my own fault that I’m not getting better, that I’m choosing to do it. And finished by saying that I should just go right ahead and throw up. It’s my big sister. And she was really the one that I thought I could count on. But no. 

You know what, the thing about mental illness, is that there is no one who knows what the individual person is going through. And no one should try to act like they do.

In life we really can’t trust anyone, and the reason that I fear the trust is that I fear the pain. Because I can’t stand it anymore. 

But there is also a beautiful aspect of trust. You give another human the ability to hurt you, but trust them out of love that they won’t do it. 

But I’ve tried it so many times now. That I’m sure how beautiful it really is. 

Been throwing up a lot these days, been anxious and acted on my OCD. Hate it. But deep down I’m still determined to break with this. 

…. 

I met a boy online, I’m metting him on Friday, I hope that he won’t think I’m ugly as fuck. And more important that he Isn’t an asshole. 

Sorry for this random post, I’m really not feeling that well, but I’m trying to stay up high, and this blog really helps. 

All sorts of love

– R 

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2 Replies to “Trust & update”

  1. Trust should be earned. And I think you should concentrate on one thing at a time. I hope Friday goes well, but be cautious and take it slow. Don’t over think things. Don’t worry.

    Like

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