Family

family-law

A lot of people believe that family is something you should be grateful about. Something you should respect. That friends come and go but family is the one thing you can always count on.

A lot of people get pissed at me when I say that I don’t like my family. That I’m not grateful. And this sort of pisses me off.

Because you know what, you have no fucking idea why I’m feeling this way.

I feel like that a lot of people are told just to accept their family, to forgive and live with their flaws. But it is not always this simple. I mean if you love your family stay with them, forgive them, love them. But I just felt like saying that sometimes this is not the best solution. Sometimes the family you are born into don’t work. 

Sometimes it is not good for you. And then you should forgive and find closure, but you shouldn’t have to stay with them, you shouldn’t have to stay with people who are hurting you.

I have so much pain that has a deep connection to my family. My dad that made me insecure and afraid. My mom and siblings who taught me that I couldn’t count on the people I was supposed to count on. The constant fear of being caught, doing something wrong. It kills me. They kill me.

Should I forgive my dad for hitting me? For telling me that I was fat, that I was nobody? Forgive him for hitting my siblings? Being mean to my mum? Forgive my mum for staying with my dad? For acting like everything was fine? Should I forgive them for letting me get anorexia, bulimia and ocd, without doing a fucking thing about it? Should I forgive them all for making me feel ashamed of being gay? Forgive them for making me wanna kill myself?

Should I forgive them for making me feel caught? Locked in? Making me scared? Should I forgive them for making me feel like a psyco?

And it goes on and on. Should I forgive them for making my head exploded? For everything?

I probably should. I probably should firgive them and find closure. But I shouldn’t go back to them. Because something that I have tried to do the last few years is to make them change. Let them know what they are doing. But they don’t fucking care. They won’t change. And therefore it is not safe for me to stay with them if I wanna get well.

I know a lot of you are going to say, “All families got problems”, well you don’t say? Of course I know this. But this does not make my and other people like me’s situation better.

I’m still living at home. Even though, every single psychologist and people I have met, have told me to get the hell out of there. Told me that if I want to get well again, I need to move out.

But it is not as simple as this. I hate every single one of them, and living without them actually won’t be a problem. I mean my mom, little sister and big sister are in some ways going to be hard to let go. But the rest of them, I don’t fucking care. But there is still something that is keeping me back. I hate it.

I know that I’m gonna get better if I leave, so why don’t I?

I need some advice.
All heroes apply?

– R

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11 Replies to “Family”

  1. I have no advice other than leave. My therapist likes to remind me that you don’t choose your family. Yes every family has its issues and ups and downs. But some are worse than others. I got a lot of judgement, even from friends , when I removed all of my family from Facebook. But it was healthier for me. Ultimately you are only responsible for you. It’s your life and nobody can live it for you and those who do not have to deal with the consequences should have no say in your actions. Sorry for all of the platitudes this morning, but I’m rooting for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you need to concentrate on yourself. If moving out will make that easier, then you should. Family will always be family , good or bad. They aren’t going anywhere. Forgiveness only comes from being at peace with yourself. Fight your demons first. Take some time for yourself as I am doing now. Remove yourself from what upsets you and stops you from being the person you are.

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  3. “Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I met a young woman from Estonia in 2005 that just so happened to share the same birthday as me. I had just left my shit family and moved half way across the country.
    She told me something that has stuck with me and pushed me beyond my comfort zone and fears.
    She said, “When you’re up to your neck in shit, it’s going to be nice and warm. But it smells and feel bad. So, you get out. But it’s cold, so your first instinct is to jump back in. That makes it harder to jump out again. But you can’t keep jumping back in. You have to go through the cold and get hosed down if you want to get clean. There is no other way.”
    And don’t worry about what other people say about family. They’re all full of shit anyway. And I think of them all as weak victims anyway because I’ve even heard it from people who were raped/molested by family in their childhood but their assailant still plays an active role in their lives as adults like that shit never happened.
    Tch. Yeah they can keep that dysfunctional bullshit and delude themselves into thinking it isn’t all they want but I know better.

    Liked by 1 person

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