5 things… 

I’m going to make a few lists, because it has been a while. 

5 Things I absolutely HATE. 

  1. Dick pics(Destroy them)
  2. Beer(Wine and vodka pls) 
  3. Men in tank tops
  4. Men in speedos 
  5. People who say fabulous 

Can people please.. 

  1. Grow up and accept that some men like to get it in the butt
  2. Stop being in love with themselves? 
  3.  Accept when they are wrong! 
  4. Learn not to stare at stangers 

5 things I want(updated) 

  1. A boyfriend 
  2. 1 million
  3. A car 
  4. An apartment in central London 
  5. An ability to eat without gaining weight!! 

Would it be okay if.. 

  1. I just stoped time for a day or two? 
  2. I Married Christian Grey even though he is a sex freak? 
  3. A royal person became gay??? 
  4. The prizes of cigarettes dropped? 
  5. I’m laughing at my own lists? 

Hope you all are doing well! 

All the best 

– R 

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Game over, it’s not fun anymore

  
Not that it has ever been funny… 

But there was a time where my mental condition was so strong that I didn’t want to get well ever, where I couldn’t imagine not living with this. And a part of me still has this. But most of all I just don’t want it. I hate it. I hate fighting it every fucking second of the day. 

The constant fear of set backs, and even death. I try and I try, and sometimes it is working and I’m doing better, but then when I fall back down, I just can’t get back up, because it’s too hard. 

In a fighting game you have a health bar, you fight and sometimes you win, but when you don’t your health bar keeps getting lower, and before you know it, it’s game over. 

I can feel my health bar dropping by the minute, and I’m not ready to hit game over, because what the hell will happen then???? 

There is just a lot of throwing up, cutting, anxiety and OCD. 

I went to my therapist a few days ago, and I could sense hear worrying about me. And now I’m seeing her one to two times a week. And hopefully it will help. The only good thing about my condition, is that I don’t have to pay for therapi. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my roots lately, and I’m gonna talk to her about it, talk to her about why I feel the way I do. And hopefully this will help me. 

But right now I am just soo weak, do I don’t know if anything really can help me… 

But while writing this, I also just wanna say that we all have to be strong, no matter what our problems are. And keep fighting. 

Thank you all, for all of your great advice, on the last couple of posts. You all really help me more than you could ever imagine. 

All the best 

– R 

Should I dump him?/One night stand

  
So as some of you might know, I have been dating a guy the last couple of weeks. Now from the beginning I haven’t been feeling anything, but I thought I would give him a try. But we really don’t have anything in commen, and he is just not turning me on, which both is an important thing. I always need to take first move, and when we are talking he almost isen’t saying anything. 

Secondly my mental health has been freaking out the last couple of weeks, so I can’t do it, I’m probably not capable of loving anyone before I love myself, so I have decided to wait with all of this dating shit until I’m better. But how do I dump him???? And should I??? 

Now a couple of days ago, I went out to get drinks with one of my friends at a gay bar, I needed to meet up with my sister in tree hours, so I didn’t have that much time. And then a guy started flirting with me, and before I knew we were walking towards his apartment, he was so hot, and so mature, so saying no really wasn’t an option. I felt a bit more confident because a guy like that wanted me! He lived in the biggest apartment in central Copenhagen. 

He gived me a glass of champagne and the conversation is just flowing, then we have sex, and we drink more champagne, but I need to go meet up with me sister, and right before I’m going he mentions that he is 34! So yes he was a bit old, but everything was so amazing. And that is what I want, not a guy who can’t even start a conversation… 

Now of course this was just a one night stand, but I like to think that I could find someone like this. 

But any advice on letting the other guy go? 

All the best 

– R 

Next move 

When you are dealing with a problem whether it is an overall problem, physical problem or mental problem, a question you always should ask yourself is, what is your next move? 

I’m cutting, throwing up and having all sorts of unhealthy thoughts right now. And I’m not stopping. So I need to ask the question, what is my next move? 

Is it to get hospitalized? To run away? To be strong as hell and just stop? Or is it just to stay as I am, and keep getting worse? 

The worst thing about these options is that I don’t want to do any of them. I want to get well, but I won’t let go of the sickness, a sickness that had been there most of my life, it is my enemy but also my friend. I don’t wanna get hospitalized because then I’m out of control, and then it is the doctors and therapists that decides my future. If I run away I run away from the people who are hurting me, but will the problems then disappear? Staying strong seems like an impossible option for me, it is too hard, but it is probably the only way. Because if I don’t do anything, first of all I might die, and secondly I probably won’t ever get better. 

The only reason that I decided to take a gap year, was so I could get better. Well now it has been almost 4 months and I’m moving in the wrong direction. 

Why is it so difficult…? 

All the best

– R

Be Thankfull Challenge 

I want to start of by thanking Kitty for the nomination! 

  
Rules:

– Share this image in your blog post.

– Write about 5 people in your life you are thankful for.

– Write about 5 things in 2015 that you are thankful for.

– Spread the love and challenge 5 other blogs to take part.

It is funny how it is so difficult for me to mention things that I’m thankful for. There are so many things in my life that I’m not thankful for, so many things that makes my life a bit shittier. But I think it is healthy sometimes just to sit down and think about the things you are thankful for in life, sand remember that it is not all bad. 

5 people I’m thankful for 

  1. My friend Theresa(Quynh), she showed me that I’m capable of love, and taught me that I need to learn to love myself. She is always there for me, and she is truly my best friend! I have never laught, cried and argued this much with a friend before, and that’s why I love her! In fact she also have a blog, check her out – Polytape
  2. My friend Naya, I have known her my entire life, and she has always been there for me, love her so much! Her and her family are like family to me! 
  3. My friend Lise, who always is ready to have a talk, who cares a lot about me, and who I always do fun things with. Love her! 
  4. My big sister, we have our differences, and sometimes I can get so angry at her, but in the end of the day she is the only family I have left, and she is there for me, and I know she loves me and for that I am thankful. 
  5. My mentally ill friends, it is just nice to have some friends who experience the same thing as you do, and who remind you what you are fighting for. 

5 things in 2015 that I’m thankful for.

  1. Graduating high school! It is one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because of my mental illness, but I got through it! 
  2. Staying alive 
  3. Getting my driving license 
  4. All the great moments I’ve shared with my friends
  5. Taking the decision to cut of the friends that I had that was bad for me.  
  1. A2eternity
  2. Windmills of my mind
  3. The sound of Ed’s voice
  4. Jason’s opinion
  5. Dear straight people

There are so many other amazing blogs that I’m following! Check them out! My absolut favorit blog is Polytape who I always would like to nominate! 

All the best 

– R 

Am I capable of love?

Am I capable of love? I know I am, I love my best friends, some of my family and a lot of babies out there! 

But when it comes to dating I’m not sure. I have been dating a guy the last couple of weeks. And I honestly don’t feel anything. I never do. It’s the same story each time. Every time they get a bit close to me, I run away. 

I think it is a mixture between being ashamed(because I have a lot of Shame connected to being gay) and not being able to let anyone in, that I date, it’s just too much. And I probably should learn to love myself before I try to love others. 

But I want a boyfriend. I really do. But he needs to be the one, the guys I’ve dated have always either been evil, immature or to into me. I want someone who accepts me as I am, and let me know that I am beautiful as I am. Mental illness or not. But I just haven’t found him yet. 

I hate dating, men, alcohol, sex, being close. 

But I want a boyfriend… 

Might as well just give up. 

– R

My own control system – OCD

My OCD story.

I was diagnosed with OCD August 2014. But if I was to believe in what I’ve been told. I have suffers from this my entire life. 

Now one thing I hate about OCD is how people don’t understand what it is. How people think that just because you want things to be clean you have OCD. Or because you are a perfectionist, you have OCD. No. I wish it was this simple! 

OCD is obsessive thoughts and actions that you in some ways are addicted to, because you can’t live without it. 

Now my biggest mental issue is the eating disorder, the OCD is a side effect to this. And there is a lort of reasons to this. 

My first visible obsessive thoughts and actions, was being afraid of bacteria, I would wash my hands all the time, I wouldn’t touch anything, and I would scream if I touch something, that I believed was dirty. It created some kind of control. Made me feel safe. And if I didn’t do it, I would get so anxious, and some times have a panick attach. 

I still am afraid of bacterias but in a whole different way! I’m not addicted to washing my hands anymore, but I still have those thoughts. 

My biggest one at this time, is to lose anything. I check and I check, walks back and forward just to be sure. I’m so afraid that if I miss something life won’t go on. 

I’m also afraid of making the wrong disision. Like if I need to make a choice, I stress and I stress, because I’m afraid that if I make the wrong decision, people won’t like me. 

If I have a wound or some sort of pain in my body, I’m sure that I’m dying. If people that I care about don’t answer me I’m sure that something horrible has happened to them. And it goes on. 

Basically I can get a though about anything and then it gets obsessive. And it is horrible, embarrassing, and just not something you wanna have. 

Lately I haven’t been throwing up that much, once every week. Instead I have an obsessive thought that if I cut myself I won’t get fat. And when I can’t sleep, I need to cut myself before I’m able to sleep. I hate it. It is do disgustig! But I can’t have it. 

Because even though it sounds unrealistic, obsessive thoughts is so logical to a brain that suffers from OCD, as 1 plus 1 equals 2. 

To make the obesessive thoughts go away, you need to stop feeding them, and stay strong when the anxiety hits you. Like if I said, I’m not gonna cut myself today, then I needed to stay strong in the period the anxiety hits me, and then do it over and over again. But it is damn hard. 

Wish me luck. 

All the best. 

– R