My own control system – OCD

My OCD story.

I was diagnosed with OCD August 2014. But if I was to believe in what I’ve been told. I have suffers from this my entire life. 

Now one thing I hate about OCD is how people don’t understand what it is. How people think that just because you want things to be clean you have OCD. Or because you are a perfectionist, you have OCD. No. I wish it was this simple! 

OCD is obsessive thoughts and actions that you in some ways are addicted to, because you can’t live without it. 

Now my biggest mental issue is the eating disorder, the OCD is a side effect to this. And there is a lort of reasons to this. 

My first visible obsessive thoughts and actions, was being afraid of bacteria, I would wash my hands all the time, I wouldn’t touch anything, and I would scream if I touch something, that I believed was dirty. It created some kind of control. Made me feel safe. And if I didn’t do it, I would get so anxious, and some times have a panick attach. 

I still am afraid of bacterias but in a whole different way! I’m not addicted to washing my hands anymore, but I still have those thoughts. 

My biggest one at this time, is to lose anything. I check and I check, walks back and forward just to be sure. I’m so afraid that if I miss something life won’t go on. 

I’m also afraid of making the wrong disision. Like if I need to make a choice, I stress and I stress, because I’m afraid that if I make the wrong decision, people won’t like me. 

If I have a wound or some sort of pain in my body, I’m sure that I’m dying. If people that I care about don’t answer me I’m sure that something horrible has happened to them. And it goes on. 

Basically I can get a though about anything and then it gets obsessive. And it is horrible, embarrassing, and just not something you wanna have. 

Lately I haven’t been throwing up that much, once every week. Instead I have an obsessive thought that if I cut myself I won’t get fat. And when I can’t sleep, I need to cut myself before I’m able to sleep. I hate it. It is do disgustig! But I can’t have it. 

Because even though it sounds unrealistic, obsessive thoughts is so logical to a brain that suffers from OCD, as 1 plus 1 equals 2. 

To make the obesessive thoughts go away, you need to stop feeding them, and stay strong when the anxiety hits you. Like if I said, I’m not gonna cut myself today, then I needed to stay strong in the period the anxiety hits me, and then do it over and over again. But it is damn hard. 

Wish me luck. 

All the best. 

– R


2 Replies to “My own control system – OCD”

  1. OMG ALL OF THIS!!! ALLLLLL OF THIS!! Well not the cutting part but the rest!! That’s me!! I went through those at some point in my life!! But mine are called OCD behaviors or OCD lite because they have found it related to strong anorexia drive. Makes sense.

    But I feel ya!! You’re not alone!! ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’‹


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