When you are dealing with a problem whether it is an overall problem, physical problem or mental problem, a question you always should ask yourself is, what is your next move?
I’m cutting, throwing up and having all sorts of unhealthy thoughts right now. And I’m not stopping. So I need to ask the question, what is my next move?
Is it to get hospitalized? To run away? To be strong as hell and just stop? Or is it just to stay as I am, and keep getting worse?
The worst thing about these options is that I don’t want to do any of them. I want to get well, but I won’t let go of the sickness, a sickness that had been there most of my life, it is my enemy but also my friend. I don’t wanna get hospitalized because then I’m out of control, and then it is the doctors and therapists that decides my future. If I run away I run away from the people who are hurting me, but will the problems then disappear? Staying strong seems like an impossible option for me, it is too hard, but it is probably the only way. Because if I don’t do anything, first of all I might die, and secondly I probably won’t ever get better.
The only reason that I decided to take a gap year, was so I could get better. Well now it has been almost 4 months and I’m moving in the wrong direction.
Why is it so difficult…?
All the best