But there was a time where my mental condition was so strong that I didn’t want to get well ever, where I couldn’t imagine not living with this. And a part of me still has this. But most of all I just don’t want it. I hate it. I hate fighting it every fucking second of the day.
The constant fear of set backs, and even death. I try and I try, and sometimes it is working and I’m doing better, but then when I fall back down, I just can’t get back up, because it’s too hard.
In a fighting game you have a health bar, you fight and sometimes you win, but when you don’t your health bar keeps getting lower, and before you know it, it’s game over.
I can feel my health bar dropping by the minute, and I’m not ready to hit game over, because what the hell will happen then????
There is just a lot of throwing up, cutting, anxiety and OCD.
I went to my therapist a few days ago, and I could sense hear worrying about me. And now I’m seeing her one to two times a week. And hopefully it will help. The only good thing about my condition, is that I don’t have to pay for therapi.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my roots lately, and I’m gonna talk to her about it, talk to her about why I feel the way I do. And hopefully this will help me.
But right now I am just soo weak, do I don’t know if anything really can help me…
But while writing this, I also just wanna say that we all have to be strong, no matter what our problems are. And keep fighting.
Thank you all, for all of your great advice, on the last couple of posts. You all really help me more than you could ever imagine.
All the best