My biggest fearĀ 

  
I worry a lot about my future, and there is a few reasons behind this. The other day my Therapist asked me what my biggest fear was? 

And I looked back and though that if she would have asked that question last year, I would have answered something about never getting well from the eating disorder, and OCD, and something about my family discovering that I am gay. 

But she asked me now, not last year but now. And I thought about it, a lot, and I actually just discovered the answer. 

It is a fear that makes all the things I have gone though worse. A fear that makes me question if any of it was worth it, and if any of it is going to be worth it. Was it worth it to become admitted to the mental hospital while finishing high school? Was it worth it to start fighting my problems? Is it going to be worth it, when I cut the relationship with my family, so I can be true to myself, so I can be gay?

And it is a fear that makes me ask the question, why? Why me?? Why do some people get to reach it,while some of us don’t? 

It is a fear that makes me wonder, if I will ever get a family, a boyfriend, someone who love me. Am I ever going to love myself? Be in love? Get my dream job? Buy my own car? 

It is a fear that makes me afraid, afraid of walking into the future, to keep on going without knowing if I will ever reach the goal. A fear that makes me afraid that it won’t ever go away? 

It is the fear of never being happy. 

– R 

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Boundaries

Long time no see???????

Honestly I don’t know what happened. Why I haven’t been posting for a while. Whether it is the bulimia, the cutting, quiting my job or getting dumped by a man that finally showed me that I was capable of having feelings.

Lets just say that a lot of shitty things has happened, including me turning 19 november 22th. It was a shitty day.

Well lets speed things up and explain some of the things that have happened by making a list.

Under no circumstances will I ever again

  1. Date a boy who is confused about who he is
  2. Date a boy who only want to have “a nice time” once in a while
  3. Make someone a favor without knowing that the person won’t return the favor if the have the option
  4. Drink heavily to days in a row
  5. Let a guy cum inside my ass, without knowing that that son of a bitch respects me
  6. Throw of because of a fuckboy
  7. Self harm because of a fuckboy
  8. Use time on my flaky friends
  9. Use time on my fucking shit family who makes me ashamed because I’m gay, and just make me feel wrong for being who I am
  10. Spend my birthday with people who don’t care about me
  11. Spend my birthday at my mom’s place
  12. Let myself get fat again
  13. Lying about who I am
  14. Do things I don’t want to do
  15. Depend on anyone but myself

Basically I just hate everyone but somehow survive because I for some reason is a strong person.

Anyway I’m going to London tomorrow with my best friend, and it is going to be amazing.

Stay turned! 

– R
 

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Afraid

It hit me last weekend, as me and my friends where buying a diet Coke 5 pm in the morning after a night with lots of drinking and dancing. I saw my cousin on my dad’s side of the family. And I panicked, my dad is Muslim, and he don’t approve of my drinking and smoking. And no matter how old I get he will always take a stand from this. 

The thing that hit me, was the reason that I was so anxious all the time, was because that somehow they all are watching me. My dad and his children. My brothers works at the train station, my cousin works at McDonald. My sister lives in the city. They all stalk me on the social medias. I can’t go anywhere without them being there, and it freaks me out. 

Actually the reason that I started this blog on WordPress was because that my brother and sister stalked their way to my old blog. And freaked out at me, because I wrote about doubting my sexuality, my mental issues and all. 

And I’m so tired of being watched, they only look for flaws and mistakes, and it just makes me feel so paranoid! 

I’m gay, I know that, but if they find out they will cut me out of the family, I’m smoking and drinking a lot, and again this has consequences. Even though that I’m an adult. Or at least legally an adult. 

These things are things that makes me who I am, but I need to be ashamed of it, they make me feel ashamed. I need to hide my true self. And that’s why I’m afraid. I’m afraid of them, afraid of them watching me. 

I know that I should not be ashamed, because I know that there is nothing wrong with me. But freuds “super-ego” judges me. It all has so deep rots in my mind. 

Love your father if you wanna love men

So I have actually always had a father, but in a lot of ways I haven’t. You see my Dad has two wives, and he has always lived with the other family, so he never been much around. 

When he finally was, all he would do was point out our flaws, how I was fat, feminin, without style, crazy hair etc. When we didn’t behave he would get so angry and most of the time hit us. 

I hate him, always have and probably always will. 

One post would not even be enough to describe how evil that man is. 

Nonetheless, I need to get closure with him to move on with my life. But that is all going to take some time. 

So for now lets talk about my dating life once again. And what the significance of my bad relationship with my parents have on this. 

So now I lost the weight, got a new hairstyle, etc. I’m ready to date, but I can’t. 

I freak out every time things gets just a little bit serious. And here is some of the explanation. 

Growing up I didn’t have any masculine role model, I didn’t recieve any care or attention from men. Most of my siblings are girls, all of my friends growing up were girls. I have never had a man close to me, never opened up to man. Never showed any of my scars to man. And because of this, I am in desperate need of men’s attention. 

I want a man to see me, and see how much pain I have, and then take care of me, give me some of the care and support I never got. 

But everytime a guy gets close enough, I shut down, completly. Because I could not count on my parents. Sometimes they would ask how I was, but then 10 minutes later they didn’t gave a shit. And this bipolar way of giving a child care and attention, sure can fuck you up. 

But I talked to my therapist, and I need to get more relationships with men, not in the terms of dating, but have more men around me. But I can’t!!! 

I don’t trust men. 

So I ask you my fellow bloggers, what do I do??? 

All the best 

– R