Afraid

It hit me last weekend, as me and my friends where buying a diet Coke 5 pm in the morning after a night with lots of drinking and dancing. I saw my cousin on my dad’s side of the family. And I panicked, my dad is Muslim, and he don’t approve of my drinking and smoking. And no matter how old I get he will always take a stand from this. 

The thing that hit me, was the reason that I was so anxious all the time, was because that somehow they all are watching me. My dad and his children. My brothers works at the train station, my cousin works at McDonald. My sister lives in the city. They all stalk me on the social medias. I can’t go anywhere without them being there, and it freaks me out. 

Actually the reason that I started this blog on WordPress was because that my brother and sister stalked their way to my old blog. And freaked out at me, because I wrote about doubting my sexuality, my mental issues and all. 

And I’m so tired of being watched, they only look for flaws and mistakes, and it just makes me feel so paranoid! 

I’m gay, I know that, but if they find out they will cut me out of the family, I’m smoking and drinking a lot, and again this has consequences. Even though that I’m an adult. Or at least legally an adult. 

These things are things that makes me who I am, but I need to be ashamed of it, they make me feel ashamed. I need to hide my true self. And that’s why I’m afraid. I’m afraid of them, afraid of them watching me. 

I know that I should not be ashamed, because I know that there is nothing wrong with me. But freuds “super-ego” judges me. It all has so deep rots in my mind. 

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4 Replies to “Afraid”

  1. I dunn really know how to say this but whenever you do something wrong your conscience shakes you and that’s when you feel ashamed… The only reason to cure this is to stop doing wrong….
    I don’t know what religion you follow R but lots of drinking can cause diseases and other health issues… You need to be healthy to live a better life right…?
    So even if you are not a Muslim you should take care of yourself.
    This is just a sincere advise… I hope you can think about this in a positive way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Similar thing happened to me. My mother was muslim too. She had my family members stalk me on Facebook. So what i did was delete them and eventually I lost touch with all of them. It’s a lonely life but at least I am free.

    Liked by 1 person

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