Love your father if you wanna love men

So I have actually always had a father, but in a lot of ways I haven’t. You see my Dad has two wives, and he has always lived with the other family, so he never been much around. 

When he finally was, all he would do was point out our flaws, how I was fat, feminin, without style, crazy hair etc. When we didn’t behave he would get so angry and most of the time hit us. 

I hate him, always have and probably always will. 

One post would not even be enough to describe how evil that man is. 

Nonetheless, I need to get closure with him to move on with my life. But that is all going to take some time. 

So for now lets talk about my dating life once again. And what the significance of my bad relationship with my parents have on this. 

So now I lost the weight, got a new hairstyle, etc. I’m ready to date, but I can’t. 

I freak out every time things gets just a little bit serious. And here is some of the explanation. 

Growing up I didn’t have any masculine role model, I didn’t recieve any care or attention from men. Most of my siblings are girls, all of my friends growing up were girls. I have never had a man close to me, never opened up to man. Never showed any of my scars to man. And because of this, I am in desperate need of men’s attention. 

I want a man to see me, and see how much pain I have, and then take care of me, give me some of the care and support I never got. 

But everytime a guy gets close enough, I shut down, completly. Because I could not count on my parents. Sometimes they would ask how I was, but then 10 minutes later they didn’t gave a shit. And this bipolar way of giving a child care and attention, sure can fuck you up. 

But I talked to my therapist, and I need to get more relationships with men, not in the terms of dating, but have more men around me. But I can’t!!! 

I don’t trust men. 

So I ask you my fellow bloggers, what do I do??? 

All the best 

– R 

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4 Replies to “Love your father if you wanna love men”

  1. Well, i feel similarly to you and rather avoid males. I must say, sometimes fear is unfounded, beacause our male-friends are more tolerant than we think. At school i was hiding my sexual orientation, Last year, few years later I told about it on meeting with teacher and colleague. It was ok. They were asking if they can help me somehow etc. I didn’t expect that they’ll take it so… smooth? Normal?
    This confession wouldn’t be possible earlier. It took me some time to open up to people. Mostly because i’ve started volunteering while university studies.
    I’m sure you can find your way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. But you can!! It’s hard though! You just can’t force it!! I hate girls sooo much!! Like so fucked over by girls it’s not even funny. And therapy tried to force me to get along with them. I know how to tolerate them. That doesn’t mean shit. Then I realized my best friends are girls but guy girls like me: non drama girls. Honest up front call you out girls.

    The point is, it takes time to find your people. And some will come and go.

    Do you think you’d do better with gay male friends vs straight male friends? Which would be easier for you?

    Start off using something like meetup to find a hobby and do that and make friends that way!!

    Liked by 1 person

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