And I looked back and though that if she would have asked that question last year, I would have answered something about never getting well from the eating disorder, and OCD, and something about my family discovering that I am gay.
But she asked me now, not last year but now. And I thought about it, a lot, and I actually just discovered the answer.
It is a fear that makes all the things I have gone though worse. A fear that makes me question if any of it was worth it, and if any of it is going to be worth it. Was it worth it to become admitted to the mental hospital while finishing high school? Was it worth it to start fighting my problems? Is it going to be worth it, when I cut the relationship with my family, so I can be true to myself, so I can be gay?
And it is a fear that makes me ask the question, why? Why me?? Why do some people get to reach it,while some of us don’t?
It is a fear that makes me wonder, if I will ever get a family, a boyfriend, someone who love me. Am I ever going to love myself? Be in love? Get my dream job? Buy my own car?
It is a fear that makes me afraid, afraid of walking into the future, to keep on going without knowing if I will ever reach the goal. A fear that makes me afraid that it won’t ever go away?
It is the fear of never being happy.