My biggest fear 

I worry a lot about my future, and there is a few reasons behind this. The other day my Therapist asked me what my biggest fear was? 

And I looked back and though that if she would have asked that question last year, I would have answered something about never getting well from the eating disorder, and OCD, and something about my family discovering that I am gay. 

But she asked me now, not last year but now. And I thought about it, a lot, and I actually just discovered the answer. 

It is a fear that makes all the things I have gone though worse. A fear that makes me question if any of it was worth it, and if any of it is going to be worth it. Was it worth it to become admitted to the mental hospital while finishing high school? Was it worth it to start fighting my problems? Is it going to be worth it, when I cut the relationship with my family, so I can be true to myself, so I can be gay?

And it is a fear that makes me ask the question, why? Why me?? Why do some people get to reach it,while some of us don’t? 

It is a fear that makes me wonder, if I will ever get a family, a boyfriend, someone who love me. Am I ever going to love myself? Be in love? Get my dream job? Buy my own car? 

It is a fear that makes me afraid, afraid of walking into the future, to keep on going without knowing if I will ever reach the goal. A fear that makes me afraid that it won’t ever go away? 

It is the fear of never being happy. 

– R 


2 Replies to “My biggest fear ”

  1. There will always be fear as long as we seek our self in “things.” Why? Because things are transient, even a child can observe this. So then do you really want to be free from fear? Most people are not willing to give up their pursuit for happiness in things. They are okay with swinging on the pedulum of pleasure and pain. I feel happy and pleasure when I fulfill and get a thing I want. I feel pain trying to protect that thing and fear of loss etc. Most accept this way of life. If you do, then there is no hope for freedom from fear. Even if you get everything you desire, you will still have fear of losing it. So then, I ask you do you truly want to be free? If so, there is a way. Follow these instructions: With every thought, desire, fear that arises immediately ask yourself “who hears these thoughts?” With every sensation in the body fear, anxiety,pleasure etc. “Who feels these sensations?” The answer will be me. I do. Then relentlesly pursue the inquiry everytime you feel and think “Who am I in spite of these thoughts and sensations? Yes I feel this. Yes I hear these thoughts?” Clearly, there is a third party here witnessing the story of that body and those thoughts.YOU AS THE WITNESS. Like watching images on a screen. You can invest your attention and get involved in the movie; feel the characters, cry with them, feel fear, but you know you are not the movie. But it feels like it, no? Because you choose to identify with the movie. STOP. The story of your first name is playing out before you, but as the witness you have no real connection to it.YOU MUST IF YOU ARE SERIOUS REMIND YOURSELF EVERY INSTANT. I HAVE NO REAL CONNECTION TO THIS. I will let the story play out however it likes, but I refuse to get involved in this movie of my life. “I have no real connection to this.” “I do nt mind what happens.” “I am the witness who is completely unaffected because I am not trying to be anything.” “I will finally rest. I do not mind what happens to ________ your name.” Be dilligent and give up trying to protect, create, and be something. Remain as the unaffected blissful witness. When you ask yourself “who is all this happening to?” This will bring you back to the unaffected blissful witness. Be free!

    Your Eternal Friend,

    Atreya Thomas

    Liked by 1 person

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