I need a break..

I am literally  just sick and tired of being so sad all the time. 

It’s so ironical, because I just quit my job, I’m not going to school until September, so I’m literally not doing anything. But I need a break from it. I need to get away. But I don’t have any money. 

I feel fat, ugly, useless. I need a purpurse, meaning, just something. 

I just feel like I’m never gonna get well, everytime I do better, I Fall back down. It is the same story again and again. But it is getting old. I’m tired and I don’t want to fight it each day. 

I just want go get rid of it, i never asked for this, but for some reason I’m stucked in a shitty family, with some shitty mental illnesses.

I wish you could get an operation, that just would make you happy and give you purpose. 

I mean omfg just give me a fucking break. 

I’m trying to get a job, but I just feel this lack of energy. I’m trying to be social but I can’t. I’m trying to get a boyfriend, but I keep running away. 

I mean come on!!! When is karma going to go my way, give me something good! Something I can work with. 

I don’t even know what to say. 

All heroes apply, I can use everything. 

– R  

5 things I need(updated version)

  1. 30 thousand, so I can travel away from all my problems 
  2. A new therapist who knows how to fix me 
  3. A boyfriend who can love like a soft boy, and fuck like a fuckboy
  4. A change to perform with my music 
  5. A direction in life 

– R

Just think about it

It seems like the days just are passing by. And I’m getting nowhere. People come and go, and no matter what happens through the day, I’m always left with same feeling. Broken, sad, confused, lost. 

You know what, I am just so mad. Mad at the world, mad at the people around me. 

Like everyone is always judging me for making wrong choices with men, always judging me when I fall back into the bulimia, when I smoke to many cigarettes… When I cut my wrist. When I drink to much alcohol. They judge me.. They get mad at me, tell me that my body can’t take it. Or they ignore it, because I have always had problems and probably always will. 

But you know what. You fucking know what. It ain’t that simple and it ain’t that easy. Don’t you think that I know that my body can’t take it, that I know that at some point it won’t fix it self again. But in the moment when my head is about to burst there is none of you people who judge me that can help me, and I don’t blame you. You all have your own things. But I find my ways, and I know it’s wrong, I know it’s gonna hurt me more. And all I ask is that you just for once won’t make me feel worse. That you will tell me that everything is gonna be alright, that it happens. I know you don’t get far with pity. But you know what sometimes, I just need to get something off my chest without getting a look of shame or a look of judging. But a look of understatement, and a bit of pitty on top. 

And no, I’m not doing any of these things for pitty, because the pitty is nothing compared to the amount of pain I feel. I’m just saying it is always nice with a bandage when somethings broken. 

I know that a lot of people don’t get the whole mental illness thing, they don’t get why my OCD sometimes make me crazy, why I can’t eat normal, that I do a lot of stuff that end up hurting me. But having a mental illness is not just having a bad day, bad month, heck even year. 

It’s having a fucking crappy life with a bunch of people who think they know better, who think they can judge you. And just a constant feeling of fear, pain, and loneliness. I hate it, and I can’t stop crying right now, but I just don’t think that it is fair. 

It is not fair that I have to deal with this shit everyday of my life.

I know that everyone has their own shitty problems, I’m just saying that sometimes it would be nice if people realized that I have a mental condition, not just a heartache. But at the same time remember that I’m not fucking crazy just because I throw up. 

Just think about. 

– R 

What you see – Original song

So the last couple of weeks, I have been working on a song. It is called “what you see”. It is about how things aren’t always how they seem, and how it is to be the only one who see the truth.

I am having a cold at the moment, so not my best singing, but please listen and give me some comments.

What you see

Pictures on the wall
Think they been there too long
They don’t show what they see
Do you believe

Sweet piano sound
Why are you playing so loud
Are you hiding the truth
Behind the tone

Chorus

Colors hide me from the dark
Sweet melody guide my way
Underneath it all we scream
But that ain’t what you see

Sweet little boy
You will learn to grow strong
You will see the things
They don’t believe

Chorus

Colors hide me from the dark
Sweet melody guide my way
Underneath it all we scream
But that ain’t what you see

Bridge
And it’s not your fault
Somethings can’t be fixed
Pictures won’t show the truth
That is what you see

Chorus

Colors hide me from the dark
Sweet melody guide my way
Underneath it all we scream
But that ain’t what you see

Enjoy!

All the best

-R

Once upon a time(gay love wish) 

  
For some reason I always end up dating losers or fuckboys. Why can’t I get something in between.

You know someone who will love you, and who are sweet as a peach. But who also gets jealous, want to protect you, and more importantly, someone who can fuck like a fuckboy. 

I want someone who has a kind soul, but who makes my mouth run in water. 

I want someone who makes me feel beautiful, someone that accept me for who I am. Someone who is strong enough to lift me, but emotional enough to comfort me. 

I want someone to take me on a date with delicious food, someone who don’t worry too much about getting fat. 

Someone who is in shape, but who isn’t perfect. 

I want someone to save me. To same me from all the pain, someone who can help me love myself. Someone who can take away these horrible mental issues that has been with me far too long. 

I want someone who makes me safe. 

I want someone who I can give my love, who I can take care of. 

But that is all a fairytale, not reality. 

But deep down I have this big wish that he is out there, waiting for me. 

– R