Just think about it

It seems like the days just are passing by. And I’m getting nowhere. People come and go, and no matter what happens through the day, I’m always left with same feeling. Broken, sad, confused, lost. 

You know what, I am just so mad. Mad at the world, mad at the people around me. 

Like everyone is always judging me for making wrong choices with men, always judging me when I fall back into the bulimia, when I smoke to many cigarettes… When I cut my wrist. When I drink to much alcohol. They judge me.. They get mad at me, tell me that my body can’t take it. Or they ignore it, because I have always had problems and probably always will. 

But you know what. You fucking know what. It ain’t that simple and it ain’t that easy. Don’t you think that I know that my body can’t take it, that I know that at some point it won’t fix it self again. But in the moment when my head is about to burst there is none of you people who judge me that can help me, and I don’t blame you. You all have your own things. But I find my ways, and I know it’s wrong, I know it’s gonna hurt me more. And all I ask is that you just for once won’t make me feel worse. That you will tell me that everything is gonna be alright, that it happens. I know you don’t get far with pity. But you know what sometimes, I just need to get something off my chest without getting a look of shame or a look of judging. But a look of understatement, and a bit of pitty on top. 

And no, I’m not doing any of these things for pitty, because the pitty is nothing compared to the amount of pain I feel. I’m just saying it is always nice with a bandage when somethings broken. 

I know that a lot of people don’t get the whole mental illness thing, they don’t get why my OCD sometimes make me crazy, why I can’t eat normal, that I do a lot of stuff that end up hurting me. But having a mental illness is not just having a bad day, bad month, heck even year. 

It’s having a fucking crappy life with a bunch of people who think they know better, who think they can judge you. And just a constant feeling of fear, pain, and loneliness. I hate it, and I can’t stop crying right now, but I just don’t think that it is fair. 

It is not fair that I have to deal with this shit everyday of my life.

I know that everyone has their own shitty problems, I’m just saying that sometimes it would be nice if people realized that I have a mental condition, not just a heartache. But at the same time remember that I’m not fucking crazy just because I throw up. 

Just think about. 

– R 

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3 Replies to “Just think about it”

  1. Thank you for your honest sharing, I admire your bravery, and trust me, you are not alone as I have known and worked with so many (amazing, intelligent, good, creative, caring, beautiful souls) who have your struggles, and it bothers me too that those who are just so darn lucky to not have that brain chemistry, genes, or whatever tend to judge. Heck with them, Your are special, your writing is raw and real, and really helps people understand. Keep fighting, keep doing what you do, you are helping people : )

    Liked by 1 person

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