Facing a truth

I mean everyone drinks to much nowadays. We almost drink at every single occasion. But when do we know when it’s taking over?? 

I mean I don’t see myself having an alcohol problem. I see myself getting in to an alcohol problem. And with everything else I’m dealing with, I don’t need that. 

So this is me, facing the truth. Trying to prevent a problem to arise. 

And here I ask you my fellow WordPress people. How do I do that???? And how can I keep my social life, without drinking as much? 

– R

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5 things that I’ve learned from my eating disorder. 

  

There are 5 things that I try to remind myself everyday. I don’t follow these things completely at the moment, but it is what I’ve learned, some golden advices that, in some ways, helps me on my way to recovery. 

  • Food is necessary, it is something we need to survive.

(So if you are hungry, then fucking eat some) 

  • Guilt and shame is not something that we can connect to eating.

(That is the eating disorder and the insecurity that makes you feel the guilt, it is unrealistic, irrational)

  • Nobody is perfect, so I do not need to be perfect. 

(Perfect is an illusion, it is goal that never will be succeeded, so be as you are, and accept that it is the new perfect) 

  • An eating disorder is a sickness, and you should always fight a sickness, not feed it(literally). 

(If you had cancer, you wouldn’t just keep on smoking??? You would fight the sickness, before it is to late) 

  • You need to have a goal! My goal is to be happy, it is being able to eat without thinking about how fat I’m gonna get. 

So there you have it. Try to use these things in your way to recovery! 

All the best 

– R

It all end up in lies, I guess… 

  
The beginning. 

The pretend, the facade, the illusion, the tears, the coverup, the alcohol, the cigarettes, the irrational decisions, the toxic thoughts, the denial. 
The flaky friends, the phonies, the toxic friends, the neglect, the trash talking, the lack of respect, the pain. 

The family, the loudness, the yelling, the resentment, the chaos, the broken trust, the broken heart.

The men, the boys, the confusion, the mixed feelings, the runaway, the patience, the rejection. The vulnerability, the lack of love. 

The anxiety, the lack of comfort, the panic, the hiding, the thinking.

The trying, the fighting, the strength, the want. 

The lack of energi, the lack of sleep, the swinging food habits, the throwing up, the giving up, the hate, the anger, the sadness. 

The restlessness, the carelessness, the self harm, the negativity. 

The end. 

– R

It’s normal to me, why can’t it be normal to you? 

  
I cannot explain how many times that some stranger or even people I know, feel the need to tell me that they are not okay with me being gay.

When I was hitting the clubs last weekend, just having a good time with my friends, some straight immature dudes, starts to laugh and point at me, talking with a more feminine voice, talking about anal sex, and just being jerks. I am the sort of person who do not take other people’s crap, so of course I speak up, and then at one point my friend is like, we gotta get out of here before they gonna come after you. And that really pissed me off, because why is it that just because I am gay, I need to end my night early because of some dickheads??

A couple of days ago I was at a late New Years dinner with my volunteer work. At this dinner we had a lot of different discussions, and it was really exciting to hear the different opinions. At one point we talked about fetishes.  About hardcore s&m and a fetish where adult men dress up as babies and get their diaper changed, to get sexual satisfied. WEIRD RIGHT!!

Anyway, I said that I had seen a documentary where the girls actually was abused, and that I did not think that it should be happening. I said that I truly believe that many of these people should see a psychologist. Then one of the others do not agree. This person is a woman, she is studying psychology at the university. She says, “I find that strange, I would think that you being gay,  you would probably be able to understand strange fetishes” And then I said what are you talking about, I have sex with men because I’m gay, this is not a choice, it is just as normal as you being straight. Then she said that she was against homosexuality, and that she did not believe that it was a choice, and that I should be okay with people’s fetishes because I was gay. Then I got fucking angry and said, excuse me very much, but aren’t you a psychologist student? Can you honestly say that it isn’t a psychological issue that a man only can get sexual satisfaction if he dresses up as a baby or if he hits a woman? And I said that I actually fell sorry for them, because it must be difficult to find someone who has the same fetish as them, so I think they should see a therapist and work with these issues. And then I said, I hope that you change your attitude towards being gay, before you are going to work as a therapist.  

I get so mad at these people, because  growing up I was so ashamed with being gay, my family is against it. Like this has been such an issue for me. But now I accept that I am gay, and that it is wonderful, and then it pisses me off that people I don’t even know have the need to tell me that it is wrong.

These are just some examples, but it happens so often to me. And if you are gay, it probably happens a lot to you as well.

Now the big question that recurs year after year, day after day. Why is hate towards being gay still existing? Especially in 2016?

Please tell me.

-R

Respect(part 2 of 5)

  
Part two in the short post series about 5 topics.

I sure have some loud opinions about respect. First of all respect is a really important matter in most cases. But only the sort of respect that is mutual, fair, and chosen.

“Respect your family”                            I grew up with a muslim arabic father, who were very strict, very mad, and very scary. He would preach a lot about respect. “Respect your father, your mother, your brother”. These people they would hit and neglect me. I was more feminin, against violence, different than all of them. And they sure did not respect me. This really gave me a fucked up idea of respect. Because why should I respect these people? 

“Respect your friends”                         At the same time I have had a lot of toxic people in my life, that I ended up cutting of, to protect myself. They didn’t respect me, so again why should I respect them? 

“Respect the elderly”                         This is a mystory for me. I do respect a lot of elderly people, but I do not believe that you just should respect them just because that they have lived a long time. I mean a lot of elderly people are a bit racist and chauvinistic, and honestly I do not respect that. 

“Respect yourself”                             This is actually one of the most important sort of respect from my perspective. I have been dealing with eating disorder, self harm, OCD and anxiety for a lot of years now. And I drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of cigarettes. I lied to myself for a lot of years about my sexuality. So what I am basically saying is, that I haven’t really been respecting myself for a lot of year. But I have made a lot of progress, and now I respect myself much more. And it is honestly the best feeling ever. I know I’m a good person, that I am normal even though I’m gay, and therefore I won’t let bad people get to me, and they can’t, because I respect myself. 

I do not believe that you demand someone to respect you, or that you can expect someone to respect you. Respect is something that you should earn. I respect my best friend Theresa because she always is there for me, because she is a good person and a clever girl. I didn’t respect my mother growing up, but I’m starting to, because she is trying to be a better mom, and for that, I respect her. However I do not respect my dad, because he still is the same person he was when I was growing up. And furthermore I do not respect people who are evil, people who don’t treat each other well, people who don’t give you mutual respect.

Respect yourself, be someone who people will respect. And do not respect anyone who don’t deserve it. 

– R

I will never meddle, ever again! 

For some art reason people always come to me with their problems. And that is actually fine. I mean, I like helping people, I like to give them my advice on how their can fix their problems. But sometimes it can be bloody dangerous to meddle with other people’s business. 

I guess that I am just a bit tired of trying to help someone, who don’t really give a shit about me. And I am even more tired of being the one that everyone gets mad at, because I tried to help. 

There is one recent particularly eposode that really just pissed me off. 

So I’m at this party with my friends. At this party there is a couple. And I know both of them pretty well, I actually introduced them to one another. Anyway, this girl who always run with gossip, tells me some pretty shocking stuff about the guy from the couple, he was just being a total jerk behind his girlfriend’s back. Now I’m closer with the girl from the relationship, so I decide to tell her. 

I tell her about all of it, and she cries, and I feel so bad! But I also felt like it was the right thing to do. I asked if she could keep my name clean for her boyfriend, because I didn’t wanted to fuck up our friendship. 

Now first of all she told him about me at the beginning. Secondly both of them got mad at me, saying that made more drama than was neassasary. 

This truly makes me sad and fucking angry. Because I felt uncomfortable telling my friend about her boyfriend, but I did it to help her. I didn’t feel like she diserved to be treated like that. 

But you know what, I am just done with helping people, because apparently they rather live in their fucked up relationships than being helped. 

– R

Patience(part one of 5)

So I’m going to make a mini series, where I post really short posts about four topics. 

Four topics that I feel is important to me right now, at this moment. 

Today’s topic: Patience 

The year is 2016. A lot of things has been invented. A lot of things has developed. And with all these developments, there is a lot of expectation towards things moving fast. We can stream a movie in less than a minute, and if it takes more than that. We complain. I feel like we don’t appreciate stuff that much anymore. We sort of just expect it all to happen. 

I went to see my therapist today, and we talked a lot about patience. How I don’t have it, but how it’s important. 

But why can’t I bare the idea of being patient?

I guess I just never really like the idea of “waiting”. I hate waiting in line, waiting for a delivery, waiting for a guy to text me back. Waiting for a friend. And lately I hate waiting to get well. 

When working with a mental illness, the main key is one step forward, two steps back. And it is so hard when you are dealing with the two steps back. 

If I look one year back, I felt so much worse back then. I threw so much up back then. And I’m doing better in some ways, but there is still really a long way ahead. However, that’s the thing, it does take a long time to recover. And the key is patience. But it is so frustrating to go on everyday, waiting and working to get on with my life.

Also with dating, I feel like we rush into a lot of relationships, because we see what others have and want it for ourselves. Or we fell like our clock is ticking, and if we don’t find someone now, we won’t ever. But again patience is the key, it will happen! May not now, may not tommorow but it will.(At least I hope so).. 

And with so many other things, I feel like we live in a world where things need to happen fast! Things need to be accomplished fast! But why??? 

I mean why the fuck?

Be patient everyone. 

All the best 

– R