10 things that may not be okay for me to feel or think…. 

We all have our dark sides, unhealthy thoughts, or unrealistic ways of life etc. It’s time to speak up! I invite everyone who is reading this, to make their own list. 

Time to confess! 

  1. Sometimes when people share their “normal” problems and issues, I compare it to my own life, and think bitch please your life is easy. I know you can’t compare these things, but I do.. 
  2. When someone is really unattractive, or smells or something, I feel  embarrassed to be seen with them. Which is such a shame.. 
  3. I’m never mean to anyone unless they are mean to me. But when people annoy me, chances are, I will speak behind their backs… Awful!!
  4. There is a big voice in my head that tells me I’m fat, useless, and sick! Sometimes I listen to it.. Which is a big mistake.. 
  5. I’m a strong believer in first impression, and if you give a bad one, it’s gonna take a lot to change that. 
  6. I believe that I will find a true love. A man that is perfect in every single way. A man that will live up to every dream, every requirements. And nothing less. So unrealistic I know, that is probably why I’m single I guess haha. 
  7. My dad always saw and pointed out every single flaw and mistakes that us children had. In result of this, I always find peoples flaws and mistakes, I don’t point them out or say anything, but I analyze them in my head… So sad. 
  8. A part of me identify with being mentally ill, and uses it as an excuse.. Lifecrime.. 
  9. I always look at men in the locker room, and uses the images later on… Weird..
  10. I wish that everyone I meet, would tell me that I’m beautiful.,

This makes me sound like the biggest bitch, and most insecure person ever. I’m really not, I promise. However, it sure did feel good to confess these things.

Write a comment if you’re gonna write a post, I would love to read it! 

All the best 

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How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 3). 

It troubles me that one man can have this much power over an entire family. Just because my dad doesn’t approve of me being gay, then he just demand and expect everyone else to follow him, and stop every contact with me. And if they don’t follow him, they get broken off aswell. It’s sad. 

Especially because he is saying that I’m the cause to this family falling apart. But I haven’t done anything else that being myself. It makes me mad. But I guess that’s just how things work with my dad. 

I’m not terrible sad to completely end my relationship with my dad, because we didn’t have much of a relationship anyways. It makes me sad that I also need to end my relationship with my other siblings, their kids etc. But c’est la vie. 

At least now, nobody can use this against me, and now I can be true to myself. My dad and this family has been my insecurity for so many years, and that is ending now. 

I accept myself, and in the end that is all that matters. 

All the best

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 2). 


At this point in my life my dad has gotten old and sick. He changed a lot. He is still not a very good father, not to me and my big sister anyway, but he has definitely gotten better with our little sister, which is good. 

In my family culture there is no such thing as individualism. Each person is connected with the family’s honor and dignity. 

For 20 years I’ve hidden something for my dad. A secret that would change everything. 

I never thought that he would know about it. But the my sister og big brother got in their own trouble, and to get focus of them, they told my dad that I was gay. 

At first he was chocked, told me it was against his religion, that it wasn’t normal, that I should change it. That he almost had a heart-attack.  

Then it got worse. He told me that I would go to hell, that I it was the devil who had taken over my body. That I shouldn’t come home for Christmas and it goes on and on. 

Of course I got sad. But I mostly got angry. Because for 20 years this has been my biggest shame, my biggest burden. I’ve hurt myself in horrible ways. I been scared, paranoid and felt watched. 

BUT NO NO! THIS IS HARD ON HIM!!!!! 

WHAT!!###%%**!!

Hard on him? Excuse me, this is one day. I’ve struggled with this for 20 years!!!## 

That is what makes me mad. People tell me, well he is chocked. This is hard on him. Maybe he will get used to it. WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME ABOUT HIM????

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 1). 


My dad. 

He is a refugee from Lebanon. He is an older man. He have had a really traumatic and rough life. He is a Muslim. Very conservative. He has a lot of anger and is very concerned with honer. 

I was born the 22th of November 1996. My dad was so happy that he got a son. Another man. Problem was, I wasn’t how he had expected me to be. 

I actually can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a bad relationship with him. I’ve always hated him, loved him at the same time, but definitely hated him. 

He was so mean, so strict and so damaged. He had two wives, two family, we all knew about each other. The other family hated me and my siblings, and my dad was very much aware of this. What did he do? Nothing. 

We would hid when he came to visit. He was always so mad, and would hit us a lot back then. I hated spending time with him. I hated seeing him treat my mom and sisters poorly. I was so mad at him. 

At the same time I wanted his attention. I wanted him to be proud, to show me his love. But everything I did wasn’t good enough. I was always too fat, not strong, not smart enough, not talented enough. And then suddenly I was too skinny and to much in to music and theater, not enough into school. Then psychology wasn’t good enough, we wanted a docter, and so it goes on and on… You know the story. 

To be continued…