5 things that makes me mad 

  1. When parents call and act like they want to hear about your life, when they really just want to unload their own shit 
  2. When my fat ex boyfriend looses weight after our breakup and finds a new boyfriend 
  3. Thumps up reply 
  4. Eating disorders 
  5. Late night snacks that turns into a late night feast 
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Love?

 

What is love? It is probably all just a construction that society once again has built up. Yet, to be happy, and handle life in our world, we need love. We crave love. Sometimes I wonder if it is a want, or a need? Do we really need love?

People have come up with a million explanations to love. And the biggest one is true love. The right one, who will come along, just wait for it. A lot of us, have probably internalized this idea in our minds.  Sometimes, I feel like we are all just being unfaithful to the very idea of love. Problem may be that it’s an illusion. Love doesn’t just come along, it’s work. Its getting to know each other, opening up, being vulnerable.

It brings me back to the question, what is love? There is the term unconditionally love. Well who the hell came up with that? It sure seems like everyone has their limits.

Is love shown by words, or by actions? Both? Can love exist implicitly?

Like everything else, it makes me think about my parents. They gave me such a chaotic childhood, my Dad didn’t accept me being gay, and cut me off. However, I never doubted their love. Sure it isn’t unconditionally love. But I know they love me, and I love them. But I’m mad at them, as well. There are other people in my life, where the love isn’t that hard to find. Can this really be love then?

I guess love have different faces, it can be bad and good, but in the end, it is still love. My problem is probably that I’ve experienced, more pain related to love, than happiness. Kelly Clarkson sings, “My heart can’t possible break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with”. I believe in that.

This leave me where I am today. My mom loves me, she says it a lot. She doesn’t show it, but it is there. My best friend, and my sister loves me. They both show and say it.

Though I still have such a messed-up relationship with love. Especially the true love. I’m hungry for that love. I crave it. I want somebody who loves me, for every single piece of me. Someone who holds me at night. All of those things. I feel like I need it. But in reality, I don’t. My life goes on. So I guess it is a want. And for that reason, it becomes harder to find. I’m driven by my wants, and not my needs.

I probably have the love I need. There are people out there, without anyone! I have love. Strong and good love. But I still feel like I need it.

I want the fairytale of love, the one I grew up watching on TV. I don’t want to find another love, like me and my mom’s relationship, like her and my dad’s relationship. I want to find right one, who comes along. But does he really do that?

I wish

I wish… 

I wish that my childhood wasn’t as chaotic as it was. I wish that people didn’t have the power to hurt you as they do. I wish that people would understand me. I wish that my thoughts didn’t have the need to run one marathon after another. 

I wish that food didn’t have the power it got, and that my self-esteem wouldn’t drop back and forward. 

I wish that there was a person who would understand me completely, and takes my loneliness and sorrow away. 

I wish that society wouldn’t develop In the direction it is. 

I wish that more people would read this. 

I wish that people would listen to me, instead of making their own interpretations of my problems. 

I wish that people around me, would notice. 

What do you wish?