I wish

I wish… 

I wish that my childhood wasn’t as chaotic as it was. I wish that people didn’t have the power to hurt you as they do. I wish that people would understand me. I wish that my thoughts didn’t have the need to run one marathon after another. 

I wish that food didn’t have the power it got, and that my self-esteem wouldn’t drop back and forward. 

I wish that there was a person who would understand me completely, and takes my loneliness and sorrow away. 

I wish that society wouldn’t develop In the direction it is. 

I wish that more people would read this. 

I wish that people would listen to me, instead of making their own interpretations of my problems. 

I wish that people around me, would notice. 

What do you wish? 

What can YOU control?

  
We can’t control everything, and we all know it. But we don’t always use this fact in our lives. 

Today I threw up after a periode of 1 month, without doing it, as a result of the bulimia. And it is so freaking anoying. 

And in this situation, I get frustrated, because I lost control, and now the thoughts are back. And I want to control it all. 

But I can’t. 

Instead I need to ask the question, what can I do now? 

I can’t turn back time, I can’t take away the thoughts. But I can control whether or not, I will do it again. And try to prevent it. And that’s all I need to do. 

Every time we get frustrated we need to ask ourselves the question, what can I do? And what can’t I do? Which takes away a lot of the frustration. 

Imagine that you are at work. You can’t focus, because you have money issues, your have family problems etc. While you are working, you can’t change or fix these issues. What can you do? 

You can keep working, so you will get some money. You can’t fix the problem in your family until you get back home. So focus on working, because at this time that is all you can do. 

A lot of our frustration is empty thoughts, because we use energy on stuff we can’t change. Instead we need to focus on the stuff we actually can control. 

What can you control? 

All the best 

– R 

There is always something 

  
I’m stranding in the Streets, I’m working at my new job, as a street facer for  Amnesty international. A job that supports me in my gap year. 

I’m standing in the streets. I know I’m wearing pants, but I keep checking. I’m sure I’m gonna die of cancer any second.Even though  I don’t have cancer. I’m sure that I’m dying of AIDS, because I had a one night stand last weekend, even though we used a condom. 

I feel scared. 

I feel like my entire body is covered in germs. I think I can feel them crawling at my skins, even though I’m clean. 

I feel duscusting. 

I’m sure that I’ve lost something, I’m sure that I’m forgetting something. 

I’m confused. 

I look down at my hands. I’m shaking. Like I’ve done a thousand times before. 

I know it’s crazy. I know it’s not logical. But my heads is exploding with thoughts like these, and there are too many. I can’t let them go. 

I go home. I shake. I feel sick. I’m sure I’m gonna die. 

A few minutes later, I’m back to normal. Waiting for the next time, the OCD and the anxiety hits me. 

I get so angry. My OCD and anxiety is always stronger, if I’m not throwing up, or cutting.

There is always something. 

– R 

5 things that I’ve learned from my eating disorder.¬†

  

There are 5 things that I try to remind myself everyday. I don’t follow these things completely at the moment, but it is what I’ve learned, some golden advices that, in some ways, helps me on my way to recovery. 

  • Food is necessary, it is something we need to survive.

(So if you are hungry, then fucking eat some) 

  • Guilt and shame is not something that we can connect to eating.

(That is the eating disorder and the insecurity that makes you feel the guilt, it is unrealistic, irrational)

  • Nobody is perfect, so I do not need to be perfect. 

(Perfect is an illusion, it is goal that never will be succeeded, so be as you are, and accept that it is the new perfect) 

  • An eating disorder is a sickness, and you should always fight a sickness, not feed it(literally). 

(If you had cancer, you wouldn’t just keep on smoking??? You would fight the sickness, before it is to late) 

  • You need to have a goal! My goal is to be happy, it is being able to eat without thinking about how fat I’m gonna get. 

So there you have it. Try to use these things in your way to recovery! 

All the best 

– R

It all end up in lies, I guess…¬†

  
The beginning. 

The pretend, the facade, the illusion, the tears, the coverup, the alcohol, the cigarettes, the irrational decisions, the toxic thoughts, the denial. 
The flaky friends, the phonies, the toxic friends, the neglect, the trash talking, the lack of respect, the pain. 

The family, the loudness, the yelling, the resentment, the chaos, the broken trust, the broken heart.

The men, the boys, the confusion, the mixed feelings, the runaway, the patience, the rejection. The vulnerability, the lack of love. 

The anxiety, the lack of comfort, the panic, the hiding, the thinking.

The trying, the fighting, the strength, the want. 

The lack of energi, the lack of sleep, the swinging food habits, the throwing up, the giving up, the hate, the anger, the sadness. 

The restlessness, the carelessness, the self harm, the negativity. 

The end. 

– R

Patience(part one of 5)

So I’m going to make a mini series, where I post really short posts about four topics. 

Four topics that I feel is important to me right now, at this moment. 

Today’s topic: Patience 

The year is 2016. A lot of things has been invented. A lot of things has developed. And with all these developments, there is a lot of expectation towards things moving fast. We can stream a movie in less than a minute, and if it takes more than that. We complain. I feel like we don’t appreciate stuff that much anymore. We sort of just expect it all to happen. 

I went to see my therapist today, and we talked a lot about patience. How I don’t have it, but how it’s important. 

But why can’t I bare the idea of being patient?

I guess I just never really like the idea of “waiting”. I hate waiting in line, waiting for a delivery, waiting for a guy to text me back. Waiting for a friend. And lately I hate waiting to get well. 

When working with a mental illness, the main key is one step forward, two steps back. And it is so hard when you are dealing with the two steps back. 

If I look one year back, I felt so much worse back then. I threw so much up back then. And I’m doing better in some ways, but there is still really a long way ahead. However, that’s the thing, it does take a long time to recover. And the key is patience. But it is so frustrating to go on everyday, waiting and working to get on with my life.

Also with dating, I feel like we rush into a lot of relationships, because we see what others have and want it for ourselves. Or we fell like our clock is ticking, and if we don’t find someone now, we won’t ever. But again patience is the key, it will happen! May not now, may not tommorow but it will.(At least I hope so).. 

And with so many other things, I feel like we live in a world where things need to happen fast! Things need to be accomplished fast! But why??? 

I mean why the fuck?

Be patient everyone. 

All the best 

– R

I need a break..

I am literally  just sick and tired of being so sad all the time. 

It’s so ironical, because I just quit my job, I’m not going to school until September, so I’m literally not doing anything. But I need a break from it. I need to get away. But I don’t have any money. 

I feel fat, ugly, useless. I need a purpurse, meaning, just something. 

I just feel like I’m never gonna get well, everytime I do better, I Fall back down. It is the same story again and again. But it is getting old. I’m tired and I don’t want to fight it each day. 

I just want go get rid of it, i never asked for this, but for some reason I’m stucked in a shitty family, with some shitty mental illnesses.

I wish you could get an operation, that just would make you happy and give you purpose. 

I mean omfg just give me a fucking break. 

I’m trying to get a job, but I just feel this lack of energy. I’m trying to be social but I can’t. I’m trying to get a boyfriend, but I keep running away. 

I mean come on!!! When is karma going to go my way, give me something good! Something I can work with. 

I don’t even know what to say. 

All heroes apply, I can use everything. 

– R