Who can I trust? 

Ed Sheeran – Save myself
Growing up, I always watched my mom being alone. Without any friends. I’ve always thought that is was because she simply didn’t have any friends. But turnes out, she just had enough of people letting her down. 
Now, since high school, I’ve always had a lot of friends. But not many of them whom I could actually count on. I’ve ended more friendships and relationships than I’ve had successful ones. 

In the end, who can we really count on? And is it worth being a good friend, when people ends up neglecting you? 

Positions as altruistic, helping hand and victim, are known positions for me. It usually starts with me being altruistic, then me helping someone, and then ending up as the victim. Neglected and forgotten. But there’s a responsibility in whether or not I accept these positions. Unfortunately, as it turns out, these positions are naturally for me. 

I’ve always blame them, the people who neglect me! I guess that I just count on the good in people, on reciprocity. But maybe that is too much to expect? Maybe I should be more selfish and egoistic to be happy? 

Because how can I expect someone to treat me and respect me, when I don’t even treat nor respect myself? 

All I know, is that I am tired, and afraid of ending up like my mom. I am tired of always getting disappointed and hurt. 

Guess I need to save and love myself, before I save someone else. And love myself, before I love someone else. 

Because the rest is too much to expect from people (apparently). 

Love?

 

What is love? It is probably all just a construction that society once again has built up. Yet, to be happy, and handle life in our world, we need love. We crave love. Sometimes I wonder if it is a want, or a need? Do we really need love?

People have come up with a million explanations to love. And the biggest one is true love. The right one, who will come along, just wait for it. A lot of us, have probably internalized this idea in our minds.  Sometimes, I feel like we are all just being unfaithful to the very idea of love. Problem may be that it’s an illusion. Love doesn’t just come along, it’s work. Its getting to know each other, opening up, being vulnerable.

It brings me back to the question, what is love? There is the term unconditionally love. Well who the hell came up with that? It sure seems like everyone has their limits.

Is love shown by words, or by actions? Both? Can love exist implicitly?

Like everything else, it makes me think about my parents. They gave me such a chaotic childhood, my Dad didn’t accept me being gay, and cut me off. However, I never doubted their love. Sure it isn’t unconditionally love. But I know they love me, and I love them. But I’m mad at them, as well. There are other people in my life, where the love isn’t that hard to find. Can this really be love then?

I guess love have different faces, it can be bad and good, but in the end, it is still love. My problem is probably that I’ve experienced, more pain related to love, than happiness. Kelly Clarkson sings, “My heart can’t possible break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with”. I believe in that.

This leave me where I am today. My mom loves me, she says it a lot. She doesn’t show it, but it is there. My best friend, and my sister loves me. They both show and say it.

Though I still have such a messed-up relationship with love. Especially the true love. I’m hungry for that love. I crave it. I want somebody who loves me, for every single piece of me. Someone who holds me at night. All of those things. I feel like I need it. But in reality, I don’t. My life goes on. So I guess it is a want. And for that reason, it becomes harder to find. I’m driven by my wants, and not my needs.

I probably have the love I need. There are people out there, without anyone! I have love. Strong and good love. But I still feel like I need it.

I want the fairytale of love, the one I grew up watching on TV. I don’t want to find another love, like me and my mom’s relationship, like her and my dad’s relationship. I want to find right one, who comes along. But does he really do that?

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 2). 


At this point in my life my dad has gotten old and sick. He changed a lot. He is still not a very good father, not to me and my big sister anyway, but he has definitely gotten better with our little sister, which is good. 

In my family culture there is no such thing as individualism. Each person is connected with the family’s honor and dignity. 

For 20 years I’ve hidden something for my dad. A secret that would change everything. 

I never thought that he would know about it. But the my sister og big brother got in their own trouble, and to get focus of them, they told my dad that I was gay. 

At first he was chocked, told me it was against his religion, that it wasn’t normal, that I should change it. That he almost had a heart-attack.  

Then it got worse. He told me that I would go to hell, that I it was the devil who had taken over my body. That I shouldn’t come home for Christmas and it goes on and on. 

Of course I got sad. But I mostly got angry. Because for 20 years this has been my biggest shame, my biggest burden. I’ve hurt myself in horrible ways. I been scared, paranoid and felt watched. 

BUT NO NO! THIS IS HARD ON HIM!!!!! 

WHAT!!###%%**!!

Hard on him? Excuse me, this is one day. I’ve struggled with this for 20 years!!!## 

That is what makes me mad. People tell me, well he is chocked. This is hard on him. Maybe he will get used to it. WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME ABOUT HIM????

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 1). 


My dad. 

He is a refugee from Lebanon. He is an older man. He have had a really traumatic and rough life. He is a Muslim. Very conservative. He has a lot of anger and is very concerned with honer. 

I was born the 22th of November 1996. My dad was so happy that he got a son. Another man. Problem was, I wasn’t how he had expected me to be. 

I actually can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a bad relationship with him. I’ve always hated him, loved him at the same time, but definitely hated him. 

He was so mean, so strict and so damaged. He had two wives, two family, we all knew about each other. The other family hated me and my siblings, and my dad was very much aware of this. What did he do? Nothing. 

We would hid when he came to visit. He was always so mad, and would hit us a lot back then. I hated spending time with him. I hated seeing him treat my mom and sisters poorly. I was so mad at him. 

At the same time I wanted his attention. I wanted him to be proud, to show me his love. But everything I did wasn’t good enough. I was always too fat, not strong, not smart enough, not talented enough. And then suddenly I was too skinny and to much in to music and theater, not enough into school. Then psychology wasn’t good enough, we wanted a docter, and so it goes on and on… You know the story. 

To be continued… 

It all end up in lies, I guess… 

  
The beginning. 

The pretend, the facade, the illusion, the tears, the coverup, the alcohol, the cigarettes, the irrational decisions, the toxic thoughts, the denial. 
The flaky friends, the phonies, the toxic friends, the neglect, the trash talking, the lack of respect, the pain. 

The family, the loudness, the yelling, the resentment, the chaos, the broken trust, the broken heart.

The men, the boys, the confusion, the mixed feelings, the runaway, the patience, the rejection. The vulnerability, the lack of love. 

The anxiety, the lack of comfort, the panic, the hiding, the thinking.

The trying, the fighting, the strength, the want. 

The lack of energi, the lack of sleep, the swinging food habits, the throwing up, the giving up, the hate, the anger, the sadness. 

The restlessness, the carelessness, the self harm, the negativity. 

The end. 

– R

Respect(part 2 of 5)

  
Part two in the short post series about 5 topics.

I sure have some loud opinions about respect. First of all respect is a really important matter in most cases. But only the sort of respect that is mutual, fair, and chosen.

“Respect your family”                            I grew up with a muslim arabic father, who were very strict, very mad, and very scary. He would preach a lot about respect. “Respect your father, your mother, your brother”. These people they would hit and neglect me. I was more feminin, against violence, different than all of them. And they sure did not respect me. This really gave me a fucked up idea of respect. Because why should I respect these people? 

“Respect your friends”                         At the same time I have had a lot of toxic people in my life, that I ended up cutting of, to protect myself. They didn’t respect me, so again why should I respect them? 

“Respect the elderly”                         This is a mystory for me. I do respect a lot of elderly people, but I do not believe that you just should respect them just because that they have lived a long time. I mean a lot of elderly people are a bit racist and chauvinistic, and honestly I do not respect that. 

“Respect yourself”                             This is actually one of the most important sort of respect from my perspective. I have been dealing with eating disorder, self harm, OCD and anxiety for a lot of years now. And I drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of cigarettes. I lied to myself for a lot of years about my sexuality. So what I am basically saying is, that I haven’t really been respecting myself for a lot of year. But I have made a lot of progress, and now I respect myself much more. And it is honestly the best feeling ever. I know I’m a good person, that I am normal even though I’m gay, and therefore I won’t let bad people get to me, and they can’t, because I respect myself. 

I do not believe that you demand someone to respect you, or that you can expect someone to respect you. Respect is something that you should earn. I respect my best friend Theresa because she always is there for me, because she is a good person and a clever girl. I didn’t respect my mother growing up, but I’m starting to, because she is trying to be a better mom, and for that, I respect her. However I do not respect my dad, because he still is the same person he was when I was growing up. And furthermore I do not respect people who are evil, people who don’t treat each other well, people who don’t give you mutual respect.

Respect yourself, be someone who people will respect. And do not respect anyone who don’t deserve it. 

– R

Patience(part one of 5)

So I’m going to make a mini series, where I post really short posts about four topics. 

Four topics that I feel is important to me right now, at this moment. 

Today’s topic: Patience 

The year is 2016. A lot of things has been invented. A lot of things has developed. And with all these developments, there is a lot of expectation towards things moving fast. We can stream a movie in less than a minute, and if it takes more than that. We complain. I feel like we don’t appreciate stuff that much anymore. We sort of just expect it all to happen. 

I went to see my therapist today, and we talked a lot about patience. How I don’t have it, but how it’s important. 

But why can’t I bare the idea of being patient?

I guess I just never really like the idea of “waiting”. I hate waiting in line, waiting for a delivery, waiting for a guy to text me back. Waiting for a friend. And lately I hate waiting to get well. 

When working with a mental illness, the main key is one step forward, two steps back. And it is so hard when you are dealing with the two steps back. 

If I look one year back, I felt so much worse back then. I threw so much up back then. And I’m doing better in some ways, but there is still really a long way ahead. However, that’s the thing, it does take a long time to recover. And the key is patience. But it is so frustrating to go on everyday, waiting and working to get on with my life.

Also with dating, I feel like we rush into a lot of relationships, because we see what others have and want it for ourselves. Or we fell like our clock is ticking, and if we don’t find someone now, we won’t ever. But again patience is the key, it will happen! May not now, may not tommorow but it will.(At least I hope so).. 

And with so many other things, I feel like we live in a world where things need to happen fast! Things need to be accomplished fast! But why??? 

I mean why the fuck?

Be patient everyone. 

All the best 

– R