What you see – Original song

So the last couple of weeks, I have been working on a song. It is called “what you see”. It is about how things aren’t always how they seem, and how it is to be the only one who see the truth.

I am having a cold at the moment, so not my best singing, but please listen and give me some comments.

What you see

Pictures on the wall
Think they been there too long
They don’t show what they see
Do you believe

Sweet piano sound
Why are you playing so loud
Are you hiding the truth
Behind the tone

Chorus

Colors hide me from the dark
Sweet melody guide my way
Underneath it all we scream
But that ain’t what you see

Sweet little boy
You will learn to grow strong
You will see the things
They don’t believe

Chorus

Colors hide me from the dark
Sweet melody guide my way
Underneath it all we scream
But that ain’t what you see

Bridge
And it’s not your fault
Somethings can’t be fixed
Pictures won’t show the truth
That is what you see

Chorus

Colors hide me from the dark
Sweet melody guide my way
Underneath it all we scream
But that ain’t what you see

Enjoy!

All the best

-R

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Boundaries

Long time no see???????

Honestly I don’t know what happened. Why I haven’t been posting for a while. Whether it is the bulimia, the cutting, quiting my job or getting dumped by a man that finally showed me that I was capable of having feelings.

Lets just say that a lot of shitty things has happened, including me turning 19 november 22th. It was a shitty day.

Well lets speed things up and explain some of the things that have happened by making a list.

Under no circumstances will I ever again

  1. Date a boy who is confused about who he is
  2. Date a boy who only want to have “a nice time” once in a while
  3. Make someone a favor without knowing that the person won’t return the favor if the have the option
  4. Drink heavily to days in a row
  5. Let a guy cum inside my ass, without knowing that that son of a bitch respects me
  6. Throw of because of a fuckboy
  7. Self harm because of a fuckboy
  8. Use time on my flaky friends
  9. Use time on my fucking shit family who makes me ashamed because I’m gay, and just make me feel wrong for being who I am
  10. Spend my birthday with people who don’t care about me
  11. Spend my birthday at my mom’s place
  12. Let myself get fat again
  13. Lying about who I am
  14. Do things I don’t want to do
  15. Depend on anyone but myself

Basically I just hate everyone but somehow survive because I for some reason is a strong person.

Anyway I’m going to London tomorrow with my best friend, and it is going to be amazing.

Stay turned! 

– R
 

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Afraid

It hit me last weekend, as me and my friends where buying a diet Coke 5 pm in the morning after a night with lots of drinking and dancing. I saw my cousin on my dad’s side of the family. And I panicked, my dad is Muslim, and he don’t approve of my drinking and smoking. And no matter how old I get he will always take a stand from this. 

The thing that hit me, was the reason that I was so anxious all the time, was because that somehow they all are watching me. My dad and his children. My brothers works at the train station, my cousin works at McDonald. My sister lives in the city. They all stalk me on the social medias. I can’t go anywhere without them being there, and it freaks me out. 

Actually the reason that I started this blog on WordPress was because that my brother and sister stalked their way to my old blog. And freaked out at me, because I wrote about doubting my sexuality, my mental issues and all. 

And I’m so tired of being watched, they only look for flaws and mistakes, and it just makes me feel so paranoid! 

I’m gay, I know that, but if they find out they will cut me out of the family, I’m smoking and drinking a lot, and again this has consequences. Even though that I’m an adult. Or at least legally an adult. 

These things are things that makes me who I am, but I need to be ashamed of it, they make me feel ashamed. I need to hide my true self. And that’s why I’m afraid. I’m afraid of them, afraid of them watching me. 

I know that I should not be ashamed, because I know that there is nothing wrong with me. But freuds “super-ego” judges me. It all has so deep rots in my mind. 

Love your father if you wanna love men

So I have actually always had a father, but in a lot of ways I haven’t. You see my Dad has two wives, and he has always lived with the other family, so he never been much around. 

When he finally was, all he would do was point out our flaws, how I was fat, feminin, without style, crazy hair etc. When we didn’t behave he would get so angry and most of the time hit us. 

I hate him, always have and probably always will. 

One post would not even be enough to describe how evil that man is. 

Nonetheless, I need to get closure with him to move on with my life. But that is all going to take some time. 

So for now lets talk about my dating life once again. And what the significance of my bad relationship with my parents have on this. 

So now I lost the weight, got a new hairstyle, etc. I’m ready to date, but I can’t. 

I freak out every time things gets just a little bit serious. And here is some of the explanation. 

Growing up I didn’t have any masculine role model, I didn’t recieve any care or attention from men. Most of my siblings are girls, all of my friends growing up were girls. I have never had a man close to me, never opened up to man. Never showed any of my scars to man. And because of this, I am in desperate need of men’s attention. 

I want a man to see me, and see how much pain I have, and then take care of me, give me some of the care and support I never got. 

But everytime a guy gets close enough, I shut down, completly. Because I could not count on my parents. Sometimes they would ask how I was, but then 10 minutes later they didn’t gave a shit. And this bipolar way of giving a child care and attention, sure can fuck you up. 

But I talked to my therapist, and I need to get more relationships with men, not in the terms of dating, but have more men around me. But I can’t!!! 

I don’t trust men. 

So I ask you my fellow bloggers, what do I do??? 

All the best 

– R 

Family

family-law

A lot of people believe that family is something you should be grateful about. Something you should respect. That friends come and go but family is the one thing you can always count on.

A lot of people get pissed at me when I say that I don’t like my family. That I’m not grateful. And this sort of pisses me off.

Because you know what, you have no fucking idea why I’m feeling this way.

I feel like that a lot of people are told just to accept their family, to forgive and live with their flaws. But it is not always this simple. I mean if you love your family stay with them, forgive them, love them. But I just felt like saying that sometimes this is not the best solution. Sometimes the family you are born into don’t work. 

Sometimes it is not good for you. And then you should forgive and find closure, but you shouldn’t have to stay with them, you shouldn’t have to stay with people who are hurting you.

I have so much pain that has a deep connection to my family. My dad that made me insecure and afraid. My mom and siblings who taught me that I couldn’t count on the people I was supposed to count on. The constant fear of being caught, doing something wrong. It kills me. They kill me.

Should I forgive my dad for hitting me? For telling me that I was fat, that I was nobody? Forgive him for hitting my siblings? Being mean to my mum? Forgive my mum for staying with my dad? For acting like everything was fine? Should I forgive them for letting me get anorexia, bulimia and ocd, without doing a fucking thing about it? Should I forgive them all for making me feel ashamed of being gay? Forgive them for making me wanna kill myself?

Should I forgive them for making me feel caught? Locked in? Making me scared? Should I forgive them for making me feel like a psyco?

And it goes on and on. Should I forgive them for making my head exploded? For everything?

I probably should. I probably should firgive them and find closure. But I shouldn’t go back to them. Because something that I have tried to do the last few years is to make them change. Let them know what they are doing. But they don’t fucking care. They won’t change. And therefore it is not safe for me to stay with them if I wanna get well.

I know a lot of you are going to say, “All families got problems”, well you don’t say? Of course I know this. But this does not make my and other people like me’s situation better.

I’m still living at home. Even though, every single psychologist and people I have met, have told me to get the hell out of there. Told me that if I want to get well again, I need to move out.

But it is not as simple as this. I hate every single one of them, and living without them actually won’t be a problem. I mean my mom, little sister and big sister are in some ways going to be hard to let go. But the rest of them, I don’t fucking care. But there is still something that is keeping me back. I hate it.

I know that I’m gonna get better if I leave, so why don’t I?

I need some advice.
All heroes apply?

– R

Trust & update

They say that if you have suffert from neglect by your parents you will find it hard to trust people you meet in live. 

I’m not sure if this fits on me, but I sure have tried to be let down far too many times. 

Now I’m not sure if it’s the people I surround myself with that just really know how to be evil,  or if it’s me who invite them to act this way. 

I am so tired of it, yesterday someone really close to me made me cry a lot, she really just tore me apart. Talk about my mental illness and that it’s my own fault that I’m not getting better, that I’m choosing to do it. And finished by saying that I should just go right ahead and throw up. It’s my big sister. And she was really the one that I thought I could count on. But no. 

You know what, the thing about mental illness, is that there is no one who knows what the individual person is going through. And no one should try to act like they do.

In life we really can’t trust anyone, and the reason that I fear the trust is that I fear the pain. Because I can’t stand it anymore. 

But there is also a beautiful aspect of trust. You give another human the ability to hurt you, but trust them out of love that they won’t do it. 

But I’ve tried it so many times now. That I’m sure how beautiful it really is. 

Been throwing up a lot these days, been anxious and acted on my OCD. Hate it. But deep down I’m still determined to break with this. 

…. 

I met a boy online, I’m metting him on Friday, I hope that he won’t think I’m ugly as fuck. And more important that he Isn’t an asshole. 

Sorry for this random post, I’m really not feeling that well, but I’m trying to stay up high, and this blog really helps. 

All sorts of love

– R 

My future? 

So after graduating high school and deciding to take a gap year, I have received one question from almost every fucking person I’ve met. 

So what are you doing now? Oh you not doing anything? Do you want to travel? Are you working???????????????? 

And the thing is, I honestly don’t know. I know that I want to go to the university and study psychology… …Next year…. 

And I wanted to travel, I wanted to go to Africa, Asia, and just experience the world. But I can’t. I can’t decide my future because of those  fucking bitches that I have mentioned a few times on this blog.. My eating disorder and the OCD. 

I planned to take a gap year to travel, but because of my mental health I need to use this year to make a big improvement, if I ever want to get well. 

I’m in treatment at the mental hospital, and I can’t just run away from that, especially because they want to hospitalize me, if I’m not doing better. 

Hopefully I will be able to travel in January, I am aware that I’m not gonna be mentally stable at that time, but hopefully I’m better at that time. 

And what about the rest of my life? Will I ever be well, “cured”? 

Am I gonna throw up between my university classes? At the lunch break at my work? At my weeding? While I’m raising my children??

I have had a few setbacks the last couple of days. Which just is so depressing and fucking ignoring… I try and I try and then I might have a few days where things are going well but I always fail again… 

And what about my sexuality, will I ever be free of my family’s extreme supervision? I’m tired of having to life some sort of double life…

But I want to have a future where I don’t have to fight my thoughts every second of my life. Where I can be who I want to be.

And that is the most important thing. 

That I want a future, without these disorders, and where my sexuality isn’t a sin. 
– R