A lot of people believe that family is something you should be grateful about. Something you should respect. That friends come and go but family is the one thing you can always count on.
A lot of people get pissed at me when I say that I don’t like my family. That I’m not grateful. And this sort of pisses me off.
Because you know what, you have no fucking idea why I’m feeling this way.
I feel like that a lot of people are told just to accept their family, to forgive and live with their flaws. But it is not always this simple. I mean if you love your family stay with them, forgive them, love them. But I just felt like saying that sometimes this is not the best solution. Sometimes the family you are born into don’t work.
Sometimes it is not good for you. And then you should forgive and find closure, but you shouldn’t have to stay with them, you shouldn’t have to stay with people who are hurting you.
I have so much pain that has a deep connection to my family. My dad that made me insecure and afraid. My mom and siblings who taught me that I couldn’t count on the people I was supposed to count on. The constant fear of being caught, doing something wrong. It kills me. They kill me.
Should I forgive my dad for hitting me? For telling me that I was fat, that I was nobody? Forgive him for hitting my siblings? Being mean to my mum? Forgive my mum for staying with my dad? For acting like everything was fine? Should I forgive them for letting me get anorexia, bulimia and ocd, without doing a fucking thing about it? Should I forgive them all for making me feel ashamed of being gay? Forgive them for making me wanna kill myself?
Should I forgive them for making me feel caught? Locked in? Making me scared? Should I forgive them for making me feel like a psyco?
And it goes on and on. Should I forgive them for making my head exploded? For everything?
I probably should. I probably should firgive them and find closure. But I shouldn’t go back to them. Because something that I have tried to do the last few years is to make them change. Let them know what they are doing. But they don’t fucking care. They won’t change. And therefore it is not safe for me to stay with them if I wanna get well.
I know a lot of you are going to say, “All families got problems”, well you don’t say? Of course I know this. But this does not make my and other people like me’s situation better.
I’m still living at home. Even though, every single psychologist and people I have met, have told me to get the hell out of there. Told me that if I want to get well again, I need to move out.
But it is not as simple as this. I hate every single one of them, and living without them actually won’t be a problem. I mean my mom, little sister and big sister are in some ways going to be hard to let go. But the rest of them, I don’t fucking care. But there is still something that is keeping me back. I hate it.
I know that I’m gonna get better if I leave, so why don’t I?
I need some advice.
All heroes apply?