Love?

 

What is love? It is probably all just a construction that society once again has built up. Yet, to be happy, and handle life in our world, we need love. We crave love. Sometimes I wonder if it is a want, or a need? Do we really need love?

People have come up with a million explanations to love. And the biggest one is true love. The right one, who will come along, just wait for it. A lot of us, have probably internalized this idea in our minds.  Sometimes, I feel like we are all just being unfaithful to the very idea of love. Problem may be that it’s an illusion. Love doesn’t just come along, it’s work. Its getting to know each other, opening up, being vulnerable.

It brings me back to the question, what is love? There is the term unconditionally love. Well who the hell came up with that? It sure seems like everyone has their limits.

Is love shown by words, or by actions? Both? Can love exist implicitly?

Like everything else, it makes me think about my parents. They gave me such a chaotic childhood, my Dad didn’t accept me being gay, and cut me off. However, I never doubted their love. Sure it isn’t unconditionally love. But I know they love me, and I love them. But I’m mad at them, as well. There are other people in my life, where the love isn’t that hard to find. Can this really be love then?

I guess love have different faces, it can be bad and good, but in the end, it is still love. My problem is probably that I’ve experienced, more pain related to love, than happiness. Kelly Clarkson sings, “My heart can’t possible break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with”. I believe in that.

This leave me where I am today. My mom loves me, she says it a lot. She doesn’t show it, but it is there. My best friend, and my sister loves me. They both show and say it.

Though I still have such a messed-up relationship with love. Especially the true love. I’m hungry for that love. I crave it. I want somebody who loves me, for every single piece of me. Someone who holds me at night. All of those things. I feel like I need it. But in reality, I don’t. My life goes on. So I guess it is a want. And for that reason, it becomes harder to find. I’m driven by my wants, and not my needs.

I probably have the love I need. There are people out there, without anyone! I have love. Strong and good love. But I still feel like I need it.

I want the fairytale of love, the one I grew up watching on TV. I don’t want to find another love, like me and my mom’s relationship, like her and my dad’s relationship. I want to find right one, who comes along. But does he really do that?

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How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 2). 


At this point in my life my dad has gotten old and sick. He changed a lot. He is still not a very good father, not to me and my big sister anyway, but he has definitely gotten better with our little sister, which is good. 

In my family culture there is no such thing as individualism. Each person is connected with the family’s honor and dignity. 

For 20 years I’ve hidden something for my dad. A secret that would change everything. 

I never thought that he would know about it. But the my sister og big brother got in their own trouble, and to get focus of them, they told my dad that I was gay. 

At first he was chocked, told me it was against his religion, that it wasn’t normal, that I should change it. That he almost had a heart-attack.  

Then it got worse. He told me that I would go to hell, that I it was the devil who had taken over my body. That I shouldn’t come home for Christmas and it goes on and on. 

Of course I got sad. But I mostly got angry. Because for 20 years this has been my biggest shame, my biggest burden. I’ve hurt myself in horrible ways. I been scared, paranoid and felt watched. 

BUT NO NO! THIS IS HARD ON HIM!!!!! 

WHAT!!###%%**!!

Hard on him? Excuse me, this is one day. I’ve struggled with this for 20 years!!!## 

That is what makes me mad. People tell me, well he is chocked. This is hard on him. Maybe he will get used to it. WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME ABOUT HIM????

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 1). 


My dad. 

He is a refugee from Lebanon. He is an older man. He have had a really traumatic and rough life. He is a Muslim. Very conservative. He has a lot of anger and is very concerned with honer. 

I was born the 22th of November 1996. My dad was so happy that he got a son. Another man. Problem was, I wasn’t how he had expected me to be. 

I actually can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a bad relationship with him. I’ve always hated him, loved him at the same time, but definitely hated him. 

He was so mean, so strict and so damaged. He had two wives, two family, we all knew about each other. The other family hated me and my siblings, and my dad was very much aware of this. What did he do? Nothing. 

We would hid when he came to visit. He was always so mad, and would hit us a lot back then. I hated spending time with him. I hated seeing him treat my mom and sisters poorly. I was so mad at him. 

At the same time I wanted his attention. I wanted him to be proud, to show me his love. But everything I did wasn’t good enough. I was always too fat, not strong, not smart enough, not talented enough. And then suddenly I was too skinny and to much in to music and theater, not enough into school. Then psychology wasn’t good enough, we wanted a docter, and so it goes on and on… You know the story. 

To be continued… 

Confusing men

So I have been seeing this guy, the last couple of months. It is the second time we have shared some kind of relationship. 

He is stil “in the closet”, he won’t even admit that he is gay. 

But he is fucking me, telling me that he likes me, giving me a sense of some kind of relationship. 

The worst part is that I never get “feelings” for men. But of course I got feelings for him. Of course I got vulnerable. 

And then he decides to be an asshole. After I finally admit to myself that I like him. 

He starts acting strange. Confusing. And I finally ask him, what he wants? 

And he says he only want to be friends. And I say I can’t just be friends. Then he gets angry, and then I get angry. 

And now it’s done. And I’m crying, and I’m hurt. And I fucking hate him. 

I’m done. 

All the best 

– R 

It all end up in lies, I guess… 

  
The beginning. 

The pretend, the facade, the illusion, the tears, the coverup, the alcohol, the cigarettes, the irrational decisions, the toxic thoughts, the denial. 
The flaky friends, the phonies, the toxic friends, the neglect, the trash talking, the lack of respect, the pain. 

The family, the loudness, the yelling, the resentment, the chaos, the broken trust, the broken heart.

The men, the boys, the confusion, the mixed feelings, the runaway, the patience, the rejection. The vulnerability, the lack of love. 

The anxiety, the lack of comfort, the panic, the hiding, the thinking.

The trying, the fighting, the strength, the want. 

The lack of energi, the lack of sleep, the swinging food habits, the throwing up, the giving up, the hate, the anger, the sadness. 

The restlessness, the carelessness, the self harm, the negativity. 

The end. 

– R

It’s normal to me, why can’t it be normal to you? 

  
I cannot explain how many times that some stranger or even people I know, feel the need to tell me that they are not okay with me being gay.

When I was hitting the clubs last weekend, just having a good time with my friends, some straight immature dudes, starts to laugh and point at me, talking with a more feminine voice, talking about anal sex, and just being jerks. I am the sort of person who do not take other people’s crap, so of course I speak up, and then at one point my friend is like, we gotta get out of here before they gonna come after you. And that really pissed me off, because why is it that just because I am gay, I need to end my night early because of some dickheads??

A couple of days ago I was at a late New Years dinner with my volunteer work. At this dinner we had a lot of different discussions, and it was really exciting to hear the different opinions. At one point we talked about fetishes.  About hardcore s&m and a fetish where adult men dress up as babies and get their diaper changed, to get sexual satisfied. WEIRD RIGHT!!

Anyway, I said that I had seen a documentary where the girls actually was abused, and that I did not think that it should be happening. I said that I truly believe that many of these people should see a psychologist. Then one of the others do not agree. This person is a woman, she is studying psychology at the university. She says, “I find that strange, I would think that you being gay,  you would probably be able to understand strange fetishes” And then I said what are you talking about, I have sex with men because I’m gay, this is not a choice, it is just as normal as you being straight. Then she said that she was against homosexuality, and that she did not believe that it was a choice, and that I should be okay with people’s fetishes because I was gay. Then I got fucking angry and said, excuse me very much, but aren’t you a psychologist student? Can you honestly say that it isn’t a psychological issue that a man only can get sexual satisfaction if he dresses up as a baby or if he hits a woman? And I said that I actually fell sorry for them, because it must be difficult to find someone who has the same fetish as them, so I think they should see a therapist and work with these issues. And then I said, I hope that you change your attitude towards being gay, before you are going to work as a therapist.  

I get so mad at these people, because  growing up I was so ashamed with being gay, my family is against it. Like this has been such an issue for me. But now I accept that I am gay, and that it is wonderful, and then it pisses me off that people I don’t even know have the need to tell me that it is wrong.

These are just some examples, but it happens so often to me. And if you are gay, it probably happens a lot to you as well.

Now the big question that recurs year after year, day after day. Why is hate towards being gay still existing? Especially in 2016?

Please tell me.

-R

Patience(part one of 5)

So I’m going to make a mini series, where I post really short posts about four topics. 

Four topics that I feel is important to me right now, at this moment. 

Today’s topic: Patience 

The year is 2016. A lot of things has been invented. A lot of things has developed. And with all these developments, there is a lot of expectation towards things moving fast. We can stream a movie in less than a minute, and if it takes more than that. We complain. I feel like we don’t appreciate stuff that much anymore. We sort of just expect it all to happen. 

I went to see my therapist today, and we talked a lot about patience. How I don’t have it, but how it’s important. 

But why can’t I bare the idea of being patient?

I guess I just never really like the idea of “waiting”. I hate waiting in line, waiting for a delivery, waiting for a guy to text me back. Waiting for a friend. And lately I hate waiting to get well. 

When working with a mental illness, the main key is one step forward, two steps back. And it is so hard when you are dealing with the two steps back. 

If I look one year back, I felt so much worse back then. I threw so much up back then. And I’m doing better in some ways, but there is still really a long way ahead. However, that’s the thing, it does take a long time to recover. And the key is patience. But it is so frustrating to go on everyday, waiting and working to get on with my life.

Also with dating, I feel like we rush into a lot of relationships, because we see what others have and want it for ourselves. Or we fell like our clock is ticking, and if we don’t find someone now, we won’t ever. But again patience is the key, it will happen! May not now, may not tommorow but it will.(At least I hope so).. 

And with so many other things, I feel like we live in a world where things need to happen fast! Things need to be accomplished fast! But why??? 

I mean why the fuck?

Be patient everyone. 

All the best 

– R