Who can I trust? 

Ed Sheeran – Save myself
Growing up, I always watched my mom being alone. Without any friends. I’ve always thought that is was because she simply didn’t have any friends. But turnes out, she just had enough of people letting her down. 
Now, since high school, I’ve always had a lot of friends. But not many of them whom I could actually count on. I’ve ended more friendships and relationships than I’ve had successful ones. 

In the end, who can we really count on? And is it worth being a good friend, when people ends up neglecting you? 

Positions as altruistic, helping hand and victim, are known positions for me. It usually starts with me being altruistic, then me helping someone, and then ending up as the victim. Neglected and forgotten. But there’s a responsibility in whether or not I accept these positions. Unfortunately, as it turns out, these positions are naturally for me. 

I’ve always blame them, the people who neglect me! I guess that I just count on the good in people, on reciprocity. But maybe that is too much to expect? Maybe I should be more selfish and egoistic to be happy? 

Because how can I expect someone to treat me and respect me, when I don’t even treat nor respect myself? 

All I know, is that I am tired, and afraid of ending up like my mom. I am tired of always getting disappointed and hurt. 

Guess I need to save and love myself, before I save someone else. And love myself, before I love someone else. 

Because the rest is too much to expect from people (apparently). 

5 things that makes me mad 

  1. When parents call and act like they want to hear about your life, when they really just want to unload their own shit 
  2. When my fat ex boyfriend looses weight after our breakup and finds a new boyfriend 
  3. Thumps up reply 
  4. Eating disorders 
  5. Late night snacks that turns into a late night feast 

Love?

 

What is love? It is probably all just a construction that society once again has built up. Yet, to be happy, and handle life in our world, we need love. We crave love. Sometimes I wonder if it is a want, or a need? Do we really need love?

People have come up with a million explanations to love. And the biggest one is true love. The right one, who will come along, just wait for it. A lot of us, have probably internalized this idea in our minds.  Sometimes, I feel like we are all just being unfaithful to the very idea of love. Problem may be that it’s an illusion. Love doesn’t just come along, it’s work. Its getting to know each other, opening up, being vulnerable.

It brings me back to the question, what is love? There is the term unconditionally love. Well who the hell came up with that? It sure seems like everyone has their limits.

Is love shown by words, or by actions? Both? Can love exist implicitly?

Like everything else, it makes me think about my parents. They gave me such a chaotic childhood, my Dad didn’t accept me being gay, and cut me off. However, I never doubted their love. Sure it isn’t unconditionally love. But I know they love me, and I love them. But I’m mad at them, as well. There are other people in my life, where the love isn’t that hard to find. Can this really be love then?

I guess love have different faces, it can be bad and good, but in the end, it is still love. My problem is probably that I’ve experienced, more pain related to love, than happiness. Kelly Clarkson sings, “My heart can’t possible break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with”. I believe in that.

This leave me where I am today. My mom loves me, she says it a lot. She doesn’t show it, but it is there. My best friend, and my sister loves me. They both show and say it.

Though I still have such a messed-up relationship with love. Especially the true love. I’m hungry for that love. I crave it. I want somebody who loves me, for every single piece of me. Someone who holds me at night. All of those things. I feel like I need it. But in reality, I don’t. My life goes on. So I guess it is a want. And for that reason, it becomes harder to find. I’m driven by my wants, and not my needs.

I probably have the love I need. There are people out there, without anyone! I have love. Strong and good love. But I still feel like I need it.

I want the fairytale of love, the one I grew up watching on TV. I don’t want to find another love, like me and my mom’s relationship, like her and my dad’s relationship. I want to find right one, who comes along. But does he really do that?

I wish

I wish… 

I wish that my childhood wasn’t as chaotic as it was. I wish that people didn’t have the power to hurt you as they do. I wish that people would understand me. I wish that my thoughts didn’t have the need to run one marathon after another. 

I wish that food didn’t have the power it got, and that my self-esteem wouldn’t drop back and forward. 

I wish that there was a person who would understand me completely, and takes my loneliness and sorrow away. 

I wish that society wouldn’t develop In the direction it is. 

I wish that more people would read this. 

I wish that people would listen to me, instead of making their own interpretations of my problems. 

I wish that people around me, would notice. 

What do you wish? 

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 2). 


At this point in my life my dad has gotten old and sick. He changed a lot. He is still not a very good father, not to me and my big sister anyway, but he has definitely gotten better with our little sister, which is good. 

In my family culture there is no such thing as individualism. Each person is connected with the family’s honor and dignity. 

For 20 years I’ve hidden something for my dad. A secret that would change everything. 

I never thought that he would know about it. But the my sister og big brother got in their own trouble, and to get focus of them, they told my dad that I was gay. 

At first he was chocked, told me it was against his religion, that it wasn’t normal, that I should change it. That he almost had a heart-attack.  

Then it got worse. He told me that I would go to hell, that I it was the devil who had taken over my body. That I shouldn’t come home for Christmas and it goes on and on. 

Of course I got sad. But I mostly got angry. Because for 20 years this has been my biggest shame, my biggest burden. I’ve hurt myself in horrible ways. I been scared, paranoid and felt watched. 

BUT NO NO! THIS IS HARD ON HIM!!!!! 

WHAT!!###%%**!!

Hard on him? Excuse me, this is one day. I’ve struggled with this for 20 years!!!## 

That is what makes me mad. People tell me, well he is chocked. This is hard on him. Maybe he will get used to it. WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME ABOUT HIM????

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 1). 


My dad. 

He is a refugee from Lebanon. He is an older man. He have had a really traumatic and rough life. He is a Muslim. Very conservative. He has a lot of anger and is very concerned with honer. 

I was born the 22th of November 1996. My dad was so happy that he got a son. Another man. Problem was, I wasn’t how he had expected me to be. 

I actually can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a bad relationship with him. I’ve always hated him, loved him at the same time, but definitely hated him. 

He was so mean, so strict and so damaged. He had two wives, two family, we all knew about each other. The other family hated me and my siblings, and my dad was very much aware of this. What did he do? Nothing. 

We would hid when he came to visit. He was always so mad, and would hit us a lot back then. I hated spending time with him. I hated seeing him treat my mom and sisters poorly. I was so mad at him. 

At the same time I wanted his attention. I wanted him to be proud, to show me his love. But everything I did wasn’t good enough. I was always too fat, not strong, not smart enough, not talented enough. And then suddenly I was too skinny and to much in to music and theater, not enough into school. Then psychology wasn’t good enough, we wanted a docter, and so it goes on and on… You know the story. 

To be continued… 

What can YOU control?

  
We can’t control everything, and we all know it. But we don’t always use this fact in our lives. 

Today I threw up after a periode of 1 month, without doing it, as a result of the bulimia. And it is so freaking anoying. 

And in this situation, I get frustrated, because I lost control, and now the thoughts are back. And I want to control it all. 

But I can’t. 

Instead I need to ask the question, what can I do now? 

I can’t turn back time, I can’t take away the thoughts. But I can control whether or not, I will do it again. And try to prevent it. And that’s all I need to do. 

Every time we get frustrated we need to ask ourselves the question, what can I do? And what can’t I do? Which takes away a lot of the frustration. 

Imagine that you are at work. You can’t focus, because you have money issues, your have family problems etc. While you are working, you can’t change or fix these issues. What can you do? 

You can keep working, so you will get some money. You can’t fix the problem in your family until you get back home. So focus on working, because at this time that is all you can do. 

A lot of our frustration is empty thoughts, because we use energy on stuff we can’t change. Instead we need to focus on the stuff we actually can control. 

What can you control? 

All the best 

– R