Why try? 

I’m laying in a way too big bed, that makes it hard to forget the fact that I’m alone.

Before this I threw up my dinner, cut myself, and felt fat looking in the mirror. Drank a bottle of wine and smoked far too many cigarettes. Crying. 

I feel alone. I feel sad. Broken. My dad abandoned me, my mom and sister are too bound up with their own problems. And I’m broke as fuck. 

Why even try? 

But then I remember that there are a lot of people out there, and reading this that feels the same way. And for the sake of all of them, I won’t give up. But it sure is difficult not just to let it all go. 

Let’s all try for each other! People like us, we need to stay together, cause nobody else understands. 

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Love?

 

What is love? It is probably all just a construction that society once again has built up. Yet, to be happy, and handle life in our world, we need love. We crave love. Sometimes I wonder if it is a want, or a need? Do we really need love?

People have come up with a million explanations to love. And the biggest one is true love. The right one, who will come along, just wait for it. A lot of us, have probably internalized this idea in our minds.  Sometimes, I feel like we are all just being unfaithful to the very idea of love. Problem may be that it’s an illusion. Love doesn’t just come along, it’s work. Its getting to know each other, opening up, being vulnerable.

It brings me back to the question, what is love? There is the term unconditionally love. Well who the hell came up with that? It sure seems like everyone has their limits.

Is love shown by words, or by actions? Both? Can love exist implicitly?

Like everything else, it makes me think about my parents. They gave me such a chaotic childhood, my Dad didn’t accept me being gay, and cut me off. However, I never doubted their love. Sure it isn’t unconditionally love. But I know they love me, and I love them. But I’m mad at them, as well. There are other people in my life, where the love isn’t that hard to find. Can this really be love then?

I guess love have different faces, it can be bad and good, but in the end, it is still love. My problem is probably that I’ve experienced, more pain related to love, than happiness. Kelly Clarkson sings, “My heart can’t possible break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with”. I believe in that.

This leave me where I am today. My mom loves me, she says it a lot. She doesn’t show it, but it is there. My best friend, and my sister loves me. They both show and say it.

Though I still have such a messed-up relationship with love. Especially the true love. I’m hungry for that love. I crave it. I want somebody who loves me, for every single piece of me. Someone who holds me at night. All of those things. I feel like I need it. But in reality, I don’t. My life goes on. So I guess it is a want. And for that reason, it becomes harder to find. I’m driven by my wants, and not my needs.

I probably have the love I need. There are people out there, without anyone! I have love. Strong and good love. But I still feel like I need it.

I want the fairytale of love, the one I grew up watching on TV. I don’t want to find another love, like me and my mom’s relationship, like her and my dad’s relationship. I want to find right one, who comes along. But does he really do that?

How I went from having a dad(ish) to be a sin to him(Part 3). 

It troubles me that one man can have this much power over an entire family. Just because my dad doesn’t approve of me being gay, then he just demand and expect everyone else to follow him, and stop every contact with me. And if they don’t follow him, they get broken off aswell. It’s sad. 

Especially because he is saying that I’m the cause to this family falling apart. But I haven’t done anything else that being myself. It makes me mad. But I guess that’s just how things work with my dad. 

I’m not terrible sad to completely end my relationship with my dad, because we didn’t have much of a relationship anyways. It makes me sad that I also need to end my relationship with my other siblings, their kids etc. But c’est la vie. 

At least now, nobody can use this against me, and now I can be true to myself. My dad and this family has been my insecurity for so many years, and that is ending now. 

I accept myself, and in the end that is all that matters. 

All the best

10 types of people I can’t stand 

  1. The type of person who says that their are “just honest”, but in reality they are just bitches with some serious issues. 
  2. People who call sex intercourse. 
  3. People who refers to sex, as “looking for fun”.
  4. People who only see the world from their narrow perspective. 
  5. People who dryhump you, while you are sleeping. 
  6. People who just expect you to be into them, because they know how hot their are. 
  7. People who don’t know you, but still takes the freedom to define you. 
  8. People who act like they don’t like Ariana Grande. 
  9. People who refer to their friend, as “gay best friend”. 
  10. People who voted for Trump. 

Confusing men

So I have been seeing this guy, the last couple of months. It is the second time we have shared some kind of relationship. 

He is stil “in the closet”, he won’t even admit that he is gay. 

But he is fucking me, telling me that he likes me, giving me a sense of some kind of relationship. 

The worst part is that I never get “feelings” for men. But of course I got feelings for him. Of course I got vulnerable. 

And then he decides to be an asshole. After I finally admit to myself that I like him. 

He starts acting strange. Confusing. And I finally ask him, what he wants? 

And he says he only want to be friends. And I say I can’t just be friends. Then he gets angry, and then I get angry. 

And now it’s done. And I’m crying, and I’m hurt. And I fucking hate him. 

I’m done. 

All the best 

– R 

What can YOU control?

  
We can’t control everything, and we all know it. But we don’t always use this fact in our lives. 

Today I threw up after a periode of 1 month, without doing it, as a result of the bulimia. And it is so freaking anoying. 

And in this situation, I get frustrated, because I lost control, and now the thoughts are back. And I want to control it all. 

But I can’t. 

Instead I need to ask the question, what can I do now? 

I can’t turn back time, I can’t take away the thoughts. But I can control whether or not, I will do it again. And try to prevent it. And that’s all I need to do. 

Every time we get frustrated we need to ask ourselves the question, what can I do? And what can’t I do? Which takes away a lot of the frustration. 

Imagine that you are at work. You can’t focus, because you have money issues, your have family problems etc. While you are working, you can’t change or fix these issues. What can you do? 

You can keep working, so you will get some money. You can’t fix the problem in your family until you get back home. So focus on working, because at this time that is all you can do. 

A lot of our frustration is empty thoughts, because we use energy on stuff we can’t change. Instead we need to focus on the stuff we actually can control. 

What can you control? 

All the best 

– R 

There is always something 

  
I’m stranding in the Streets, I’m working at my new job, as a street facer for  Amnesty international. A job that supports me in my gap year. 

I’m standing in the streets. I know I’m wearing pants, but I keep checking. I’m sure I’m gonna die of cancer any second.Even though  I don’t have cancer. I’m sure that I’m dying of AIDS, because I had a one night stand last weekend, even though we used a condom. 

I feel scared. 

I feel like my entire body is covered in germs. I think I can feel them crawling at my skins, even though I’m clean. 

I feel duscusting. 

I’m sure that I’ve lost something, I’m sure that I’m forgetting something. 

I’m confused. 

I look down at my hands. I’m shaking. Like I’ve done a thousand times before. 

I know it’s crazy. I know it’s not logical. But my heads is exploding with thoughts like these, and there are too many. I can’t let them go. 

I go home. I shake. I feel sick. I’m sure I’m gonna die. 

A few minutes later, I’m back to normal. Waiting for the next time, the OCD and the anxiety hits me. 

I get so angry. My OCD and anxiety is always stronger, if I’m not throwing up, or cutting.

There is always something. 

– R