My biggest burden 

My gay story

You know what? Fuck the bulimia, fuck the OCD, the anorexia, the depression, the sadness, the pain! 

One thing that always have been there, the one thing that I can’t “cure” is my sexuality. 

This may sound rough, but let me explain. 

Like some of you probably know, I was raised in a Muslim family, so ever since I was a child, homosexuality has been a sin, has been disgusting, wrong! This is the view that I was raised with. 

I probably always knew, I must have! However I always knew that I couldn’t be true to myself. That I couldn’t be a gay guy. That just wasn’t an option. 

So I told myself to hide it, to make it unreal, to act straight, to act like someone else than myself. 

My society’s view on homosexuality wasn’t great either, it was disgusting, it was something bad, it was something to make fun off. God how I was scared! My entire childhood I was scared that anyone would find out. 

When people would talk about gay stuff I felt insecure, I was thinking “do they know?”, I never talked about gays, never talk to gays, I didn’t wanna draw anymore attention to that area. 

If people would ask me, I would lie. I would lie about finding women attractive, and I would even lie to myself. I wouldn’t admit what I deep down under knew was true. 

And honestly this is the hardest thing I been through, and I been through a lot, not staying true to yourself is damn hard, especially when it isn’t accepted. 

When I got to a age where you definitely are aware of who you are attracted to, I started to sense the true. I tried and tried, almost forced myself to like women, forced myself to speak with a deeper voice, forced myself to be a “man”(I was also raised with really strict gender roles, so you get the picture).

And at this time I was soooo fat! Like really fat! I didn’t had that many friends and my life pretty much just sucked. This was the first time I felt suicidal. 

Life got on and I definitely knew that I was finding men attracted, this was combined with so much guilt and shame, I was so ashamed of myself. 

I lost a ton of weight and was later diagnosed with anorexia. So now I was skinny, feeling fat, and a gay in pretend. This was the second time in my life I felt suicidal. 

High school, a new chance to play the role I was raised to play. Straight. And it worked the first year. I almost convinced myself that I was straight. 

At this time in my life my family was really messy, I was later diagnosed with bulimia and OCD. Hell. 

I talked about girls and even fell in love with one girl, which I truly loved. But deep down under I knew the true. 

People still suspected me of being gay. People were so curious, in a bad way. But I kept my acting strong. Lying, lying and more lying.

When I was 16 I realized that this lie needed to stop, at least the lying towards myself, but I felt guilty as hell. I saw people around finding love, and I felt so terrible alone! Felt like I was the only gay guy in the entire world. Until I met Marius. A guy my age, handsome, musician, painter, I don’t think my heart had even beaten that way before. I was in love, at least I thought I was. I kept it a secret and so did he. I found someone like me, I told someone my deepest secret. 

Unfortunately that guy was a jerk, and out of the blue he was gone forever, without a word. I was devastated, hurt, sad. 

I kept lying, felt the pain in silence while my eating disorder got much worse. 

Then I started writing with some guys, one of them was a bit serious, but he wasn’t Marius. I felt so neglected of him, like I’m still here, why don’t you see that? 

The next serious thing I had was a Swedish guy called Kjell, he was 7 years older than me, lived in my city, studied medicine, was handsome as hell, and so fascinating, I felt something. 

Then he pulled the same number as Marius, and I never saw him again. At this time in my life my mental health had gotten that bad, that I was admitted to the mental hospital. I was broken. 

…..

This was the first time I came out to a person that wasn’t gay. My therapist. 

She taught me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, that I shouldn’t feel ashamed, and that I couldn’t change this. 

I told one of my friends F, in tears, and I felt so relieved, like I could finally be myself. But I kept the act for everyone else.

Then I told one of my best friends Naya, she said to me that she loved me no matter what, I felt more relieved. 

….

Then I started dating a guy called Sasa or Mr, as I called him. And I felt something again. At this time I told twi of my other friends. Felt more relieved. 

He hurt me a lot this guy, telling  me I was fat, telling me that I was ugly, had pimples, that I wasn’t good enough for him. And I actually never said this to anyone, but after we had had sex, he started to get weird, like he didn’t do anything, but he kept teeling me, that if I didn’t watched out he probably would rape me. I dumped him. And I regretted it so much!! Sometimes I still do. But it was for the best.  

…… 

My mental health was out of control at this point, but at least I could finally talk to my friends about the pain I felt. 

After a while I started dating again, and at one point I went to a guy that was 10 years older than me, and let him dryhump me just to get some acceptance. 

I told my best friend Theresa, which also is the girl that I had been in love with. And that was one of the hardest things I ever did!!! But she accepted me. After a while I told my big sister and that was the best!!! One in my family that I could actually be myself with. One I could trust.

Then I dated a lot, and still kept my act up for everyone else. Then I got into a fight with F, the first girl I ever told. And that bitch outed me to everyone!! Of course not my family but everyone else, and I didn’t knew until the last few weeks of high school. I never been this humiliated before!! 

But at least now the act was over. I was honest to everyone who asked me(again except my family), and I didn’t care what they thought, the people who I was afraid to loose had accepted me, so nothing else mattered. It was the best feeling in the world. But I still felt ashamed and I still felt guilty and I still do at this point in my life. 

Then the recent event happened. My big brother found out. And he is literally one of the biggest psychopathic homofobs that I know. I died!!! He yelled are you gay, gay, gay??? 

The third time in my life that I have been suicidal. But I made up a cover story and lied about having a girlfriend, and all of a sudden everything was back to scratch, now I need to hide again. Be in pretend. At least for now.

And that fucking sucks. Hate my family, and I know I absolutely know that they will never accept me. 

And this is why my biggest burden is my sexuality. 

But at least I’m honest to myself. I accept myself, and that is honestly the most important thing.

Hopefully the real R will be free sooner or later, because I can’t stand this pretend. 

– R 

Anger vs. sadness 

The last few days my head has been filled with anger towards everything! Especially my family, before this anger arrived my head was filled with sadness and OCD which was horrible. 
Today as I was walking home I could feel the anger letting go and the sadness coming back. 

It’s funny how it is easier to be angry than sad. When you are angry you sort of wanna do something, you wanna get your anger out, but when you are sad, you are just tired of life and despairing. 

I’m so tired of having all of these bad feelings inside my head, I just wanna scream!!!!!! I hate it, I would give everything for someone to take away the pain…. I feel fat, ugly and forever alone…. Just wanna throw up forever, which is disgusting!!! 

Still no answer from Swedish N… 

……….

Anyway, I’m probably not in a mental state were I should be dating 

Well I hope he is well anyways 

…. That’s a lie, fuck that dickhead!! 
Tired of life and without Swedish guy… 

Shit! shit! shit!!!!!…….!

– R 

Hating everything at the moment 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

– Martin Luther king

I might just throw up, I’m fucking hating everyone for one reason:

I’m suppose to love them, but they are doing everything they can to make me hate them!!! There fucking no place for love here Mr. King

I’m so tired of that fucking family! So I couldn’t fall asleep until 4, and then by bitchass mom and little sister starts yelling at 9, and when I tell them to shot up my mom fucking gets angry at me, and starts yelling at me…..Omg how I hate them, fucking nobody takes me seriously, I’m so tired of that women pretending to be a mom when she clearly have no idea what’s she’s doing, she haven’t cooked dinner last few weeks, only when my dad is here! The rest of the time, she’s far to fucking lazy to do anything, even taken it seriously that I am sick!! She can’t even fucking do that, she’s such a raging bitch!!

I’m still stressed about my psychopathic half brother who stalked his way to my old blog and find out that I might be gay………………….

And now we all need to celebrate a joined birthday for my stepmom and my own mom, which in it self is pretty fucked up!! A man who’s got two wives just smash their birthdays together…0.o…….

And we need to act like a perfect family where everyone likes each other, and if I make any scene my psycho brother tells my psycho dad….

JUST KILL ME ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!
And also I’m just so tired of the fact that all of this family drama makes me stress eat, which all makes me throw up…. I need to get away from here!!! Can’t you give your family up for adoption???? Although I wound’t wanna put anyway through this either. ..

I’m so tired of being sad, angry and Anxious all the time, and a lot of it, is because of that fucking family!!! Ha$@&&&&&&&tteeee them!!!

And I’m sooooo tired of pretending not to be gat… So tired that it is such a big of a deal… Having my parents a bit extra for that one!!…..!…

I’m going to my therapist tomorrow and that also makes me a bit nervous, because I know things aren’t going well…

And another fucking fuck thing about feeling like this is that nobody of your friends actually sees it!!! I mean I don’t have the energy to spend fucking time with any of them, and then they get all angry, because they don’t know a shit about my mental health… Hate them too

Hate everyone!!!!

HATE GIVEAWAY!!

You get some hate.. You get some hate… Family gets a lot of hate, I get some hate, everyfuckingsingleone gets some hate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a another level that Swedish jerk, N actually answered me to times, and then stopped again, haven’t heard a word since yesterday 03.00 in the afternoon….

Definitely give up, he’s not even that handsome when I come to think about it.

Fucking fuck day with a bit of extra fuck

Shot me

Pls?

– R

Love life??????????????



Wisdom !!!!

Omg!!! So after having stalked all exes respectively on facebook and instagram, I decide to write to N, from Sweden and he is just so sweet and handsome! However, he is terrible at answering, still waiting for that answer N!!

Anyway, it all made me think of the past and inspired me to do a ex-list! Only with the people who matter!

So here we go!

  1. Emma from kindergarden(didn’t exactly know how it worked back then, don’t even remember it, but there are pictures of us kissing uhh) She grew up to be a bitch
  2. Caroline – middle school(again hiding the fact that I clearly was gay) She grew up to be a diva
  3. Qq Theresa – The love of my life and still is though more as a sister from another mister, bffs – she grew up to be an angel HAHA okay too corny
  4. Marius(first guy) – half Spanish ugly asshole(Who is apparently straight now, who is he kidding -.-)
  5. Nicklas(Not mature and too feminin, still Facebook friends)
  6. Kjell – Swedish dickhead Kjell – hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  7. Sasa(Mr) – first time – hate him fucking asshole!! Apparently also straight but that guy is definitely gay… F!!!!!!!ch?@&)$$ him..!!..
  8. 27 year old fat guy Jonas – dryhump( We all been there)
  9. Peter(ugly and anoying)
  10. Mathias(immature, smelly dick and too much in love…. Can’t believe I gave that smelly d a blowjob… I might just throw up……

Then there is 1000&”@”… Chats and dates, 1 random blowjob and a few dryhumps.

I give up…….

Still no answer from N..

– R

Here we go

Hello, hi, bonjour salut, hola?……

Hi, I’m R.
I’m a 18 year old boy. I am gay and suffers from bulimia and OCD. I have a shitty family, some bad friends, a good sister, some good friends and I am also admitted to the psychiatry. I love alcohol and cigarettes, bad series and depressing songs. Welcome to my shitty life.
……
Which in the end of this hopefully will be just okay.
……

I always knew that I was gay, but I hid it until about a year ago. And this was a consequence of my shitty family and our shitty society. I’m not completely out and proud, but I’m out for most people, besides my shitty family. I have had an eating disorder over the last five years and was diagnosed with OCD and Anxiety about a year ago.

Bummer of the day:
My psychopathic brother found out that I probably am gay and now I’m doing everything that it takes, so he won’t tell my psychopathic father, who probably would kill me.

Threw up

One great thing of the day: 
Blogging I guess

Btw my family are Muslims, I do not know what I am, probably not religious. My father has two wives and nine children. I have three full siblings and six half. I am the second youngest. My father is a creep, my half-siblings are psychopaths, my little sister is a child and then there are my big sister and me.
My best friend is Quynh(Theresa, Thuy, Thilde) a lot of names.
My other friends are Naya and Lise
Then there are the other assholes who don’t deserve a shoutout

And then there are the girls from the hospital, funny how people with the same mental issues just connect perfectly!

I’m going through some changes right know, and I think I’m, gonna blog about the whole damn thing!

So yes, yet again welcome to my shitty life! I hope you will stay turned for more.

– R