At this point in my life my dad has gotten old and sick. He changed a lot. He is still not a very good father, not to me and my big sister anyway, but he has definitely gotten better with our little sister, which is good.
In my family culture there is no such thing as individualism. Each person is connected with the family’s honor and dignity.
For 20 years I’ve hidden something for my dad. A secret that would change everything.
I never thought that he would know about it. But the my sister og big brother got in their own trouble, and to get focus of them, they told my dad that I was gay.
At first he was chocked, told me it was against his religion, that it wasn’t normal, that I should change it. That he almost had a heart-attack.
Then it got worse. He told me that I would go to hell, that I it was the devil who had taken over my body. That I shouldn’t come home for Christmas and it goes on and on.
Of course I got sad. But I mostly got angry. Because for 20 years this has been my biggest shame, my biggest burden. I’ve hurt myself in horrible ways. I been scared, paranoid and felt watched.
BUT NO NO! THIS IS HARD ON HIM!!!!!
Hard on him? Excuse me, this is one day. I’ve struggled with this for 20 years!!!##
That is what makes me mad. People tell me, well he is chocked. This is hard on him. Maybe he will get used to it. WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME ABOUT HIM????
He is a refugee from Lebanon. He is an older man. He have had a really traumatic and rough life. He is a Muslim. Very conservative. He has a lot of anger and is very concerned with honer.
I was born the 22th of November 1996. My dad was so happy that he got a son. Another man. Problem was, I wasn’t how he had expected me to be.
I actually can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a bad relationship with him. I’ve always hated him, loved him at the same time, but definitely hated him.
He was so mean, so strict and so damaged. He had two wives, two family, we all knew about each other. The other family hated me and my siblings, and my dad was very much aware of this. What did he do? Nothing.
We would hid when he came to visit. He was always so mad, and would hit us a lot back then. I hated spending time with him. I hated seeing him treat my mom and sisters poorly. I was so mad at him.
At the same time I wanted his attention. I wanted him to be proud, to show me his love. But everything I did wasn’t good enough. I was always too fat, not strong, not smart enough, not talented enough. And then suddenly I was too skinny and to much in to music and theater, not enough into school. Then psychology wasn’t good enough, we wanted a docter, and so it goes on and on… You know the story.
To be continued…
So I have been seeing this guy, the last couple of months. It is the second time we have shared some kind of relationship.
He is stil “in the closet”, he won’t even admit that he is gay.
But he is fucking me, telling me that he likes me, giving me a sense of some kind of relationship.
The worst part is that I never get “feelings” for men. But of course I got feelings for him. Of course I got vulnerable.
And then he decides to be an asshole. After I finally admit to myself that I like him.
He starts acting strange. Confusing. And I finally ask him, what he wants?
And he says he only want to be friends. And I say I can’t just be friends. Then he gets angry, and then I get angry.
And now it’s done. And I’m crying, and I’m hurt. And I fucking hate him.
All the best
We can’t control everything, and we all know it. But we don’t always use this fact in our lives.
Today I threw up after a periode of 1 month, without doing it, as a result of the bulimia. And it is so freaking anoying.
And in this situation, I get frustrated, because I lost control, and now the thoughts are back. And I want to control it all.
But I can’t.
Instead I need to ask the question, what can I do now?
I can’t turn back time, I can’t take away the thoughts. But I can control whether or not, I will do it again. And try to prevent it. And that’s all I need to do.
Every time we get frustrated we need to ask ourselves the question, what can I do? And what can’t I do? Which takes away a lot of the frustration.
Imagine that you are at work. You can’t focus, because you have money issues, your have family problems etc. While you are working, you can’t change or fix these issues. What can you do?
You can keep working, so you will get some money. You can’t fix the problem in your family until you get back home. So focus on working, because at this time that is all you can do.
A lot of our frustration is empty thoughts, because we use energy on stuff we can’t change. Instead we need to focus on the stuff we actually can control.
What can you control?
All the best
I’m stranding in the Streets, I’m working at my new job, as a street facer for Amnesty international. A job that supports me in my gap year.
I’m standing in the streets. I know I’m wearing pants, but I keep checking. I’m sure I’m gonna die of cancer any second.Even though I don’t have cancer. I’m sure that I’m dying of AIDS, because I had a one night stand last weekend, even though we used a condom.
I feel scared.
I feel like my entire body is covered in germs. I think I can feel them crawling at my skins, even though I’m clean.
I feel duscusting.
I’m sure that I’ve lost something, I’m sure that I’m forgetting something.
I look down at my hands. I’m shaking. Like I’ve done a thousand times before.
I know it’s crazy. I know it’s not logical. But my heads is exploding with thoughts like these, and there are too many. I can’t let them go.
I go home. I shake. I feel sick. I’m sure I’m gonna die.
A few minutes later, I’m back to normal. Waiting for the next time, the OCD and the anxiety hits me.
I get so angry. My OCD and anxiety is always stronger, if I’m not throwing up, or cutting.
There is always something.
I mean everyone drinks to much nowadays. We almost drink at every single occasion. But when do we know when it’s taking over??
I mean I don’t see myself having an alcohol problem. I see myself getting in to an alcohol problem. And with everything else I’m dealing with, I don’t need that.
So this is me, facing the truth. Trying to prevent a problem to arise.
And here I ask you my fellow WordPress people. How do I do that???? And how can I keep my social life, without drinking as much?